Do You Give TOO Much?

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Dating, Romance, Men-Women dynamic….this is Cherry's expertise! Grab a chance to get some FREE input from her!

Hi Cherry and Heather! I love this concept of “giving too much” and instead, allowing him to do the giving…while being open to receiving! it helped me this morning when my husband called and told me about a show he thought I might like, and asked if i wanted to go this weekend. Rather than jumping on him and reminding him (angrily) that we had HIS work party scheduled, I was able to kindly thank him for his offer (and then gently remind him). A small thing, I realize, but I of course it's much easier for him to GIVE when I'm not criticizing WHAT and HOW he's giving.

Of course, it's also anxiety-provoking to sit back and “wait” to be given to. What if they don't? What if nothing gets done? I think as soon as i begin to feel those feelings, my tendency is to “jump in” and DO SOMETHING. Any thoughts on tolerating that, and also what to do if NOTHING does happen??!

Thanks!
love, Karen

Hi Cherry and Heather,

Thanks for the thought provoking article above.

I am struck by your two statements: “Men must 'do good' to 'feel good.'” And, “Women must 'feel good' to 'do good.'”

My husband often says that however I am FEELING sets the tone of our whole household. And your statements above reiterate his point.

I have been guilty my whole life of being the woman who tries to prove her worth through all she DOES — giving, nurturing, providing, cooking, cleaning, working, striving, succeeding…. It takes the wind out of me to realize that my worth is actually connected to my being… and not my doing…. It's confusing, frustrating, and yet also liberating, and inspiring.

What is a good first step for someone looking to reclaim the value of their being (rather than their doing) in a relationship?

Love and light,
Coco

P.S. Cherry and Heather — I love you guys!!!

Hi Karen!

Thanks for your question! It's one many women can relate to.

First, congratulations for being receptive to your husband's idea and suggestion of attending the show this weekend…even though you knew there was a conflict with his work party.

In future, rather than “gently reminding him” about the work party, ask him what he thinks about it. Something like, “Honey I am so excited you bought show tickets this weekend, but what do you think about the conflict with your work party?” Then let him figure it out. Afterall, he created the conflict. He can fix it without you having to stress.

It is definitely anxiety-provoking to sit back and “wait” to be given to. Many men, when given the opportunity to step up and give…will. Especially when they are rewarded and appreciated for their efforts. This keeps them wanting to give more. If he doesn't, just notice. And if NOTHING happens, it's time for a conversation.

Get permission by asking him if “now is a good time” (or if not, when is?) You want to ask permission because you want his focused attention. Then negotiate. “Honey I'm noticing I'm doing most of the home chores and I need help. What are your suggestions?”

Guide him into thinking his contributions are his ideas, then contract that he will DO the agreed upon tasks.

Hope this helps, Karen. Thanks again for your question!

To Your Love Life,
Cherry

You Can't Change People

If the person you're dating or married to isn't much of a giver, nothing you do will change that. People change on their own. You can't people people and it's rude to try. You're basically saying, I don't like you the way you are. It's fine if you don't like someone they way they are. Find someone else, preferably before making a life time commitment

I think the number one quality to look for in someone to love is their ability to grow on their own. If they're the same person they were 10 years ago, that's just trouble in the making. If you can find someone who has a track record of growing on their own, even though you can't change them, they might change for you independently.

Happiness Is Focusing On What You Can Control

There's a direct correlation between happiness and how much control we feel we have on the important things in their lives.

Other people is not one of those things you have control over. You can't control whether they fall in and out of love with you. You can't control if they give back when you want them to give back. Focusing on that only leads to being unhappy.

Does giving make you happy or does giving in order to get something in return make you happy? There's nothing wrong with the latter. But don't say you're a Giver. Most Givers are really Exchangers who can't admit it.

True giving only happens when you already have what you need so you don't need anything in return. That's why airline attendants tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself first. It's good advice. Also, if you give to yourself first, you know you'll always reciprocate.

So what happens if you don't have what you need? Asking is a good start. What if it's just the beginning of a relationship. If the reciprocation isn't happening right away, that probably won't change.

Giving the Wrong Thing

You know when your cat leaves you the dead mouse, it's a sign of affection from the cat. For the human, it's just another mess to clean up.

There's a book. The Five Love Languages: acts of service, physical touch, words of affirmation, gifts, quality time. More than likely your Love Language is different then your other's Love Language. Make sure you give them the right one. Tell them which one is right for you.

Communication

I think sitting down and saying, “I think I'm giving too much in this relationship and I'm not getting what I need” usually solves a lot of issues.

If the response is:

1. Stop giving so much.
2. That's really your problem and not mine.
3. I don't have anything to give.
4. All of the above.

That's a bad sign. It's probably a good idea to have this conversation before marriage to see if one of those responses come up. Please refer to part 1, you can't change people.

Hi Coco!

Thanks so much for your comments and question!

Your husband is absolutely right…your feelings set the tone for the whole household! When Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!

If your husband is a right handed man, he cannot think and feel at the same time (it's the way his brain is designed.) So if he's in his left lobe thinking, he can only gage how he's “doing” by your feelings. If you're happy, he knows he is doing a good job. If you're sad, he feels like he's not doing a good job making you happy.

You are not alone in being a woman who tries to prove her worth by “doing.” (It's how society raised us.)

The good news is, you can “do” less and “feel” better. (This could take a bit of practice!) More good news is you can guide your husband with your feelings.

The first step to reclaim your value for being the brilliant woman you are is to honor your feelings. Don't rationalize them. Don't negotiate them. Don't feel guilty about them. Just experience them. Often feelings can be indicators of change needed or change coming.

Hope this helps! Love you too!

To Your Love Life!
Cherry

Love you too Coco! Thanks for your great question.

Hi, Cherry,

I've been SO guilty of giving too much, working too hard, and then being exhausted, wondering why everything wasn't turning out 'happily ever after!'

I loved Coco's question, because I get stuck on that, too (thanks for your response, Cherry!)

I have a question, too. As I'm getting ready to start dating again (it's been two years since my divorce), how can I be careful, right from the beginning, not to give too much and work too hard, while still being open and engaging with men?

Thanks, Cherry!

Hi Corin — thanks for your insights on giving.
I have also heard good things about the book “The Five Languages of Love” — that people have different styles of giving (some like gifts, some need words, etc)

It's true that you can't change other people. You can only change yourself.
And — if the results you are getting in romance are not what you want….then you can shift your own behaviors and see how others are responding to you. Which is where I believe Cherry's guidance comes in.

Hi Corin,

I couldn't agree with you more. You cannot change people. They must want to do something different on their own.

You cannot make a man fall in love with you. You cannot make him give more if he doesn't want to.

The problem is many women believe the more they give to a man, the more they will receive. This simply isn't true (in most cases anyway.)

When a woman gives too much to a man, she's blocking intimacy (even if she doesn't realize it.)

The feminine way is to take care of yourself first and give back to others (very much like your airline example.)

If a woman isn't getting her needs met, she has two choices: accept it or leave. Because like you said, someone cannot give you what they are unable or don't have to give.

I am familiar with “The Five Love Languages.” It is an excellent book.

Thank you so much for your comments today!

To Your Love Life,
Cherry

Hi Sue!

Thanks so much for your comments and question.

As you're starting to date again, you can do a few things to work easier and not give too much to the men you meet.

1. Smile to signal a man you're interested in that you're available. This opens the door, allowing him to come to you.

2. Let him speak first. That way he can lead the conversation and you can follow along without having to “work” for things to say.

3. Answer his questions simply. He doesn't need to know every little teeny tiny detail about you (especially in the first encounter.) Talking too much is giving too much…and that's working too hard!

4. Let him extend the first invitation. Generally if a man is interested, he will ask for your number or invite you to coffee within the first 15 minutes. If he doesn't, chances are he's not going to. (Don't take it personally.) You're working too hard if you stay in conversation for hours and he doesn't make a move.

5. If he asks you to call him, tell him, “thank you for the invitation, but I feel better when men call me and I call them back.” A manly man will be relieved when you say this because it sets him up to be the respected leader and you don't have to work hard or give too much. He can make the plans.

6. Remember to smile. Like I was saying to Coco, men gage how they are doing by your reaction. When you smile, he (and the world) smiles with you!

So keep smiling, let him lead the conversation and say “yes, thank you, please” to his compliments and invitations!

Happy dating!

To Your Love Life,
Cherry

Cherry — I have definitely fallen into the “Gina” trap of offering unsolicited advice to my romantic partner.
What advice can you offer for how to know when he is asking for your input and when to just zip it.

Love, Heather

Cherry,
This question was submitted by Kim (over at the 'announcement post') So I want to make sure you saw it, here is her question:

Hi Heather thanks for inviting Cherry to speak I think this is a great topic! Here's a question for Cherry: have been happily married for 18 years and although I've come a long way I still see some of myself in Cherry's description…especially about how difficult it is to receive. Often my husband, wanting to be helpful, gives me advice that is well intentioned yet leaves me feeling that he wants me to be someone other than who I am. How can I express appreciation for this advice while helping him support me in ways that feel better to me? Thanks Cherry and Heather, Kim

This was a huge thing for me to learn last year … that men *love* to help women & contribute to them. And they only thing they need back is being truly receptive of what they are giving, including appreciation.

This has changed my friendships with men, my relationship with my ex & co-parent of my daughter, every relationship I have with a man. Absolutely amazing.

And … I get what I need. So I naturally have the ability & energy & overflowing-ness to give back.

Cherry,

First, I want to thank you for all the guidance you've given me so far. Since working with you, my husband is doing much, much more around the house, much more cheerfully. I really see what you say that the more he does, the better he feels about himself. I feel less stressed and less overwhelmed.

My question is:

Can you say more about switching from work mode to relationship mode? I am the primary breadwinner and I have a successful business that requires me to be decisive and get things done.

Can you give me some tips on switching into receptive mode at the end of the day, or when connecting with my husband during the day?

Isabel

Heather,

You're not alone falling into the “Gina” trap of offering unsolicited advice!

Good rule of thumb is this: When he asks for your input, give your suggestion.

When he doesn't ask, you can ask him for permission to give your input. If he says, “yes,” then give it. If he says “no” just zip it.

You can also zip it by just walking out of the room if you can't help yourself from offering little “suggestions.”

To Your Love Life,
Cherry

Hi Elizabeth,

Yes…isn't it amazing that men actually LOVE to give to women! The only thing they really want is appreciation and to feel they are important for offering what they give.

I'm so happy to hear you realize this and are able to shift your relationships with men so you can be mutually supportive and get your needs met!

Way to go!

To Your Love Life!
Cherry

p.s. Love your videos!

Thanks for your input Elizabeth! Love seeing you here.

Learning this was huge for me too. And as you say so well, the best part is the upward spiral that gets created: “I get what I need. So I naturally have the ability & energy & overflowing-ness to give back.”

I am forever thankful to my two biggest resources: Alison Armstrong's “Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women” (opened me up to a brave new world) and Cherry Norris “The Hollywood Dating Director” (for her laser focus on the romance questions).

Hi Kim,

So happy to hear you are happily married for 18 years! Congratulations indeed.

Great question and soooo appropriate! Your husband is doing his best to be helpful…which is fantastic. When he offers you well intentioned advice, just say “thank you.” You don't have to use it. It's more important that he feels heard and tappreciated for his problem solving abilities. That's it.

He doesn't want you to be someone other than you are. When you need support in other areas, ask his thoughts on those topics specifically. Say something like, “honey, you have such great ideas. What do you think we should do about (fill in the blank)?” If you don't like his answers, say “thank you for your suggestion” anyway and do what you want.

Of course if you like his answers, say “Oooo honey! What a great idea. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You're my hero!”

Eventually he'll start coming around to supporting you in ways that feel better!

Hope this helps!

To Your Love Life,
Cherry

Oh, Isabel!

What a wonderful thing to hear. I'm so happy your husband is cheerfully doing more around the house and you're both feeling much better. Great news.

Yes, it's not easy shifting from work mode to relationship mode…especially when you work from home and you have tons to accomplish.

The good news is, women's brains are designed to support us in being able to turn off work and turn on play easier than a man. But it still requires a transitional period.

When you want to go from business to pleasure, start by taking a moment for yourself. Listen to music. Dance. Take a bath. Go for a walk. Do a facial or beauty treatment…anything that will help you out of your head and into your body.

That's the key: Turning off your brain so you can become more feeling centered and receptive to your man.

Now if you're in business mode during the day and your husband is in the house, that's where your negotiation skills come in handy. Decide when you're at work (8-5 for example) and what to do if he wants to speak with you “on the job.” Does he need an appointment? Can he only enter when your office door is open? Things like that.

You want to define clear boundaries for when you're “at work” and when you're “at home.” This will help you get things done and still feel like a woman at the end of the day!

Thanks, Isabel!

To Your Love Life!
Cherry

Karen — I loved reading this. Small things have a way of adding up to be BIG things.
And I have found that following Cherry's advice is often making tiny shifts…that give big results. And everyone ends up happier.

all my best.

Heather,%

Heather,

This has been a wonderful experience connecting with you and the brilliant women who have written in with questions and comments. Thank you so much for the opportunity of sharing today!

If you want to see more “mistakes” women often make in romantic relationships without even realizing it, check out my Valentine's Day series, “The 5 Biggies.” Every day this week I'll reveal a new video tip to support your love life. Watch now: http://tinyurl.com/ygg9xzl

Happy Valentine's Day!

To Your Love Life,
Cherry

Yes, I've learned so much from Alison Armstrong's stuff! I'll have to check out Cherry