Rejuvenate Love: Make Way For New Love

Jaya! Thanks for being here.

What you teach and help people with is so important.
I would love to hear more about your own journey… will you share some highlights with us here. How did you become “The Trust Coach.”

And really looking forward to today’s conversation.

big love, Heather

Good Morning Everyone!

Thank you Jaya for such a wonderful article! I love the process for letting go that you have developed! It is something that we can use in many different areas of life! Old hurts, regrets, etc! The list for what a person does want WORKS!! It is so much more important to focus on that which you do desire than focusing on what you don’t. “The Law of Attraction” and all! I made a list over 15 years ago of what I wanted in a mate….and now I have it! It took me that long to find it but that’s just me. I look back now and say WOW!! How did I find this amazing man? I think everyone who desires to be in a relationship would benefit from being focused on the qualities that they are seeking. It would save a lot of heartache in the end.

Have a WONDERFUL day!

Allison

Yaay Allison! Great to have you back. And love your insightful wisdom.

SUCH a great reminder to focus on what we want. (not what we don’t want) !!

~h

Hi Heather, thank you so much for having me today. It’s a beautiful blue-sky day in Ithaca. I’d love to tell you about how I came to be the Trust Coach. Basically, I went from being a person who believed life was against me to being someone who believes all of life is supporting me to thrive and love and be happy and well. Somehow, before, everything was hard and depressing, and when it came right down to it, I could never really make it (in work, relationships, creative endeavors, you name it). This was despite all my best efforts to be a good person and follow processes to grow spiritually. Somehow my path brought me to The Work of Byron Katie, which is a simple method of self-inquiry for questioning any thought that gets between you and love–or you and peace, you and your inner knowing, you and your power. . . .

It’s been amazing to me to watch my own process–and that of others, including clients. You go through one thought at a time, chipping away at the negative and judgmental and clenched beliefs you have about others, life, yourself, and very quickly global changes start to happen: you think differently; you see through different lenses from the habitual ones–and the new ones are kinder and actually support you to thrive. And then, inevitably, your life changes. The outer reality shifts to match the inner reality. In the past 5 years, I’ve gotten happier and happier, no matter what’s happening in my life. I’ve become such a good partner to myself–so reliable, because my mind and therefore my emotions aren’t all over the place. I live in love.

It’s so important to work with the mind. Our life really happens in the mind–we’re really not interfacing with objective reality, ever, but with our thoughts about reality. Byron Katie and her amazing process called The Work taught me how to be in a kind, supportive reality. I’ve been thriving there! If people looked at the events that followed my discovering The Work–divorce, a fascinating and direct experience of poverty, starting my whole life over on my own (“on my own”–no such thing) in a new place–it looks like things got rough. Actually, it’s been a beautiful and fun journey. When your mind isn’t telling you horror stories–when, in fact, it’s looking for and finding all that supports you–life is so sweet.

When I unexpectedly lost a job, I knew it was time to do this work with other people. Actually, I was already doing it with others in several contexts. I just made it official and went about learning how to run a business. My coaching work is the most amazing and delicious work I’ve ever done. I love guiding others into a stance of trust toward all of life, themselves, and others. It’s so gratifying–and just plain fun.

Hi Jaya,
I wanted to stop in and say “hi” to a fellow Ithacan (is that a word?)…Its great to have the sun here today!

I love your reminder to move toward what we do want, as its so easy to focus on what we don’t want, and then wonder why we keep getting more of that?! And, its helpful to remember that the contrast is here for us to use our free will and choose what we want to experience.

Blessings,
Jen

[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Heather Gray, Jude Spacks. Jude Spacks said: Joyfully brilliant Jaya the Trust Coach is guest blogging today at Heather Gray on finding new love http://ow.ly/3XtvN [...]

Hi Allison, thanks for your beautiful comments. I do want to say that I haven’t developed anything. I just keep using and expanding on what I’ve learned from Byron Katie. She’s very big about having people write down they’re stressful thoughts, because the mind is such a messy, slippery bog. I’ve come to apply “write it down” to any number of useful processes, because it works! We’re so forgetful. You can know with absolute clarity that someone isn’t the one for you, then you see the person and everything gets all melty and blurry and next thing you know, you’re believing the thoughts telling you how sad it is you’re not together! This concept applies to all kinds of couples concepts too. When people are disgruntled about all that their spouse/partner isn’t or all he or she doesn’t provide, it’s so grounding to make a list of all they are and all they do. It’s so cool that you’re in touch with how your man really is what you wanted all along. When we connect to reality–what’s really here for us–it’s gets harder and harder not to be happy and grateful as a way of life.

Hi Jen! I’m so happy to have an Ithacan here! (It must be a word–it comes out so smoothly.) Yes, so important to move toward what we want. I’ve come to get the importance as well of noticing all that we already have and all that we already are. When people believe they’re lacking love in their life, they’re missing the most basic truth about who they are! How can I lack what is my essential nature? I work with people creating a balance between absolutely loving yourself and your life exactly as they are now, and creating what you want more of with clear intention (and definitely dropping that focus on what you don’t want!)

Thanks again for showing up, neighbor!

I LOVE writing things down. I journal “on paper” as much as I can. When you write something down it takes a thought, idea something intangible and makes it REAL! That energy goes from something that isn’t in phsyical form….to the phsyical! POWERFUL stuff! Manifesting your dream relationship, job, home anything can begin when you write down exactly what it is that you are seeking to achieve!

Allison

Yes! And it’s also such good mental Feng Shui–to get it out of the swarming mess in the mind and see it on paper. It makes for clarity.

Hi, Jaya,

Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom…I really loved what you wrote about coming back over and over to revisit things. And I’ve never heard that “I’ve been spared” idea put in quite that way…that will definitely become part of my mantra when my mind goes off on a tangent to try and relive some old “pain” or memory (just like the dog tugging at a leash). Really wonderful!

What got you into Byron Katie’s work?

Warmly,
Sue

Hi, Sue. Thanks for joining the conversation. I love “I’ve been spared”! My favorite Katie-ism. I live by it. You can use it for anything petty or profound–from spilling the coffee (who needed another caffeine blast anyway?) to losing the lover or spouse. It’s a deeply trusting stance to take: to know that whatever I need will always be here, and if it’s not here, I don’t need it!

What got me into The Work of Byron Katie? I went to an Al-anon meeting after a visit from my family of origin sent me over the edge. (And it turns out it wasn’t them–it was my thoughts.) I met a woman there who felt inspired to give me her phone number in case I wanted to talk more deeply (she later told me she never did that anymore). When I called, she mentioned that while the 12 steps are amazing, she used this inquiry process to look at the sort of painful beliefs that were coming out of my mouth left and right. She took me through the questions on the spot, and I had an instant experience of the power of the process. I saw the person I was judging so differently, and saw myself so differently.

I think part of it was having an experience of my power of interpretation (though I wouldn’t have been able to articulate that then). We have so much power to interpret the events in our lives. With The Work, I’ve learned to notice that I’m interpreting when things feel painful or stressful, and then I re-interpret. “I’ve been spared” is a great example of a possible way to interpret that most people don’t go to naturally–but it can be learned, and it’s a great habit to cultivate. Someone leaves and I can languish and feel miserable and spend all my time reviewing how much I miss her and how wonderful she was, or I can look honestly at the ways I’ve been spared. And trust that wonderful people who give me love do and always will show up in my life. . . . Same life, different thoughts.

My God I liked this story Jaya. I really, really liked it. I’m so glad you shared it. I feel enriched for having heard it. I see how you came to your wonderful insights, how you came to be ‘doin your own thing’, and why the Work works.

Thank you SO much for doing what you do, and for spending the amazing time on the blog today with all of us.

Alex

Dear Jaya, I love your thoughtful insights! I hope everyone going through relationship storms is able to pull themselves to shore or at least to your website and life coaching. It took me untold years to pull myself to shore and remember the horrible battering but have let it go. I feel I am the master of my life now. When I am unhappy, I remember times when I was happy and try to remember that happiness was there and it will come again. I love you becausee you know this too. Keep on mastering the elements, Jaya. Love, Annie

Annie, it’s so sweet to have you show up here! I so admire the journey you’ve been on and your continued persistent forward movement. Your comment reminds me of another powerful tool I’ve learned from Byron Katie. On top of noticing all that supports us in every NOW, we can go back and notice, even in our ugliest life stories, all that was in place to get us through and bring us into a sweeter and more beautiful version of ourself and our life. This is not to deny that the bad moments really happened, or that they really were bad. But it’s that concept of our power to interpret again: we can see how we were lovingly supported through the ugliness on so many levels, and how those experiences built muscles we really needed to be who we are now–and to keep stepping into who we are becoming. Annie, I love who you are now! And who knows what tomorrow could look like? . . .

I love this Jaya: “I went to an Al-anon meeting after a visit from my family of origin sent me over the edge. (And it turns out it wasn’t them–it was my thoughts.)”

So powerful!

Thanks for sharing more deeply about the power of “The Work” and Bryon Katie. I find Byron’s own journey to peace to be so powerful too (Am I right…that she ended up in a mental institute and had completely alienated her family before she “brokethru” and changed her thoughts and her life.)

Sounds like “writing it down” can also help to get to a more peaceful place (vs. letting it swim around in the head). I do that with my “to do” tasks and “great ideas” too. Just write them down and then decide…;^)

Thanks, Alex. Then we have a mutual inspiration society!

Jaya — thank you so much for sharing your journey. I love how you describe the “chipping away process.” It’s very clear that you “walk your talk.”

I also sense (tell me where I am wrong… ) that you are not afraid to go to dark and deep places with clients. Which is a rare gift. And is also so much what is needed in the world right now — someone who can help hold people’s hands thru the changes that are happening on the outer planes — by helping them shift their inner planes.

I am curious if you’ve ever worked with “A Course in Miracles”? It’s supportive of what you are saying as well, just puts things into the concept of “forgiveness.”

Thanks again for being with us today.

Hi Alex! Thanks for “popping in”

Did you see the “King’s Speech”? Such a lovely, WONDERFUL film. And the speech therapist was a bit of a “radical” in his times, sort of like you and Jaya…hee, hee.

She was a mess. One very fun thing about going to the 9-day School for The Work (an INTENSE process of inner excavation) is that you get to hear Katie’s stories. (She goes by Katie–you can see the appeal of Katie over Byron!) It’s also so sweet to be in her presence, and sometimes it’s not so sweet–because you’re really facing yourself, and some of it isn’t pretty. But oh, the amazing breakthroughs! 5 years after the School, I’m still stunned sometimes to look at how I live now and how happy I am. I didn’t know it was possible to have sustained joy!

Hello Jaya,
In your opening message this morning you wrote
“The outer reality shifts to match the inner reality”. This is such a powerful FACT for me. When Im feeling challenged, confused, unbalanced…I know to look at what my outer reality looks like to help give me signs on whats going on inside. Soo many thoughts and feeling can get all scrambled up and often I stop. I sit quietly, close my eyes and I take stock of what outer reality I created and what messages are there for me to consider. What do I believe, what is it I want?
Jaya I love that you shared to focus on what we want. The “work” to create the list is not easy but it is personal and it is fun and it IS worth it.
What a life? What an experience…Im so happy to have met you on Heather’s Soul Filled Cafe.
Thank you
Lisa Berry

Heather, it’s such a privilege to get to go to those deep, dark places with people. I think once you’ve gone into your own, and are willing to revisit them as needed, then it’s pretty effortless to go with someone else into theirs and hold space for them while they take a look around. The dark places are always less scary than we think they are when we’re looking in without entering–or looking away. Another reason I love The Work is that it offers a solid structure to move through in that exploration.

Contrary to how it may sound from the discussion so far, The Work of Byron Katie isn’t the only modality I use. Another thing I love to do is help people go in where it hurts and let the pain be as big as it can be. This is something I’ve written about before because it never ceases to fascinate me. (See “Being with Big Pain, Physical or Emotional” on thetrustcoach.blogspot.com.) When we enter the pain (any pain) and let it get as big as it can get, expanding into it and letting it take over, something amazing happens. First, it doesn’t overwhelm us or get the best of us–as we fear it will–just sears for a time. We can go into witness mode, relax and breathe instead of tensing up and resisting, and watch for what’s next. What’s next will always be that it reaches its peak and then drops back down.

I created a three-step concept of “Let it sear, let it fade, let it go” because that’s what always happens–whether it’s a burn, migraine, or the distress of a broken heart. Once the pain is allowed to be as big as it wants to be, it can only then recede and fade away. There’s no other option. Pain doesn’t want to come to stay! The only thing that keeps it in place is our story. Have you ever reached for the story again when you were naturally calming down in the aftermath of a meltdown? I used to do that all the time! It’s a great way to make sure you’re a victim–one of my favorite former hobbies. When we sit with our pain with a willingness to drop the story, we can move through the suffering very successfully. And this then brings me back to The Work of Byron Katie–which is the most brilliant way I’ve found to examine the story once we’re able to work with the mind.

You asked about A Course in Miracles. I’m not that familiar with it, except through some of Marianne Williamson’s work. I do love how she works with forgiveness. Katie’s definition of forgiveness is my all-time favorite (do I sound like a groupie, or what?). She says that forgiveness is coming to understand that what you thought happened didn’t. Again, this isn’t to deny that bad things have happened, and certainly not to condone it. But when we look again and find how the Universe was completely supporting us through whatever “unforgivable” event occurred, and when we sort through and find the benefits of the experience, we can’t regret anything that happened, and we’re able to forgive–beginning with forgiving ourselves.

My ex-husband and I (yep, it’s embarrassing, I’m a lesbian with an ex-husband, and I was a lesbian before I got the husband!)–we recently sat together to look at the blessings of all we went through together. We were both in tears. He’s infuriated me more successfully than any other being on the planet, and he’d probably say the same about me! And when we look together at the story, we see more growth and breakthroughs than either of us was ever sure we could possibly get to.

Hi Lisa~

What great insight! We do create our realities! The good thing is that no matter what we have created that we don’t want, we can change! Realizing that is the first step! As a Feng Shui consultant I see people surrounding themselves with clutter and then fighting to make it through their day without stress. Most of the time our outer “mess” is a result of whatever is going on within us. I love it that you realize this! Thank you for sharing how you work through your challenges! Have a wonderful day!

Allison

Good to know what to call her! Sounds like an amazing experience. Martha Beck (my coaching mentor) is a BIG fan of “katie” and the work.

Lisa, thanks for sharing your experience! Yes, it is a fact: the outside is a mirror of the inside–and when we work on the inner world, the outer must change! I look forward to more sharing from you on this blog tomorrow.

Thanks for sharing about the “ex husband.” Wow, what a journey to your truth!! I am sure you were a great gift to each other.

Marianne Williamson is often credited when “ACIM” is brought up. But it’s really only one view point. (A wonderful one, but you can miss alot if you stop with her books). Gary Renard has a wonderful book called “Disappearance of the Universe” – also inspired by ACIM. And I of course, recommend diving into the text and the lessons themselves.

I feel these are all paths (The Work, ACIM, and others) that take us up the same mountain. Ultimately to see that we are creating it all, all connected, and that true healing take place in the “mind” which then changes the external.

<3

Re posting….sorry I wasn’t signed in.
Hello Jaya,
In your opening message this morning you wrote
“The outer reality shifts to match the inner reality”. This is such a powerful FACT for me. When Im feeling challenged, confused, unbalanced…I know to look at what my outer reality looks like to help give me signs on whats going on inside. Soo many thoughts and feeling can get all scrambled up and often I stop. I sit quietly, close my eyes and I take stock of what outer reality I created and what messages are there for me to consider. What do I believe, what is it I want?
Jaya I love that you shared to focus on what we want. The “work” to create the list is not easy but it is personal and it is fun and it IS worth it.
What a life? What an experience…Im so happy to have met you on Heather’s Soul Filled Cafe.
Thank you
Lisa Berry

Hi Jaya…
Oooh another goodie…he he I like that you said it MUST change, when of course we work on it.
When I coach people on healthy eating and they share with me in frustration that “Its not working”…I share with them, that it must be working because there are making that inner change and that sometimes it takes time and sometimes we need to acknowledge it to see it. A favourite saying….First we must believe it…to see it.
You;re wonderful Jaya, thank you!!!

2010 was, for me, the Year of Perseverance. In starting my business with no money, I held doggedly to the belief that the Universe was conspiring in my favor–which is another way of saying that it’s always supporting me to bring my intentions to fruition. I love reminding clients that when you come to a closed door, this isn’t a door slammed in your face. It’s not evidence that the Universe isn’t supporting you. It’s just showing you which door you won’t be going through–at least for now. The only thing to do is try the next door. And as we move persistently toward our intention–yes, as you said, believing before seeing it come to fruition–then we’ll get an amazing journey, and we’ll get results. I love that we don’t get to decide in detail what the results will look like, because what happens is often even more beautiful than the best we’ve imagined. This coaching work I get to do, for example, has taken forms that I wasn’t expecting and that I couldn’t find more fulfilling as I assist others with their big life breakthroughs.

2010 was, for me, the Year of Perseverance. In starting my business with no money, I held doggedly to the belief that the Universe was conspiring in my favor–which is another way of saying that it’s always supporting me to bring my intentions to fruition. I love reminding clients that when you come to a closed door, this isn’t a door slammed in your face. It’s not evidence that the Universe isn’t supporting you. It’s just showing you which door you won’t be going through–at least for now. The only thing to do is try the next door. And as we move persistently toward our intention–yes, as you said, believing before seeing it come to fruition–then we’ll get an amazing journey, and we’ll get results. I love that we don’t get to decide in detail what the results will look like, because what happens is often even more beautiful than the best we’ve imagined. This coaching work I get to do, for example, has taken forms that I wasn’t expecting and that I couldn’t find more fulfilling as I assist others with their big life breakthroughs.

I just received a question through e-mail that I’m going to answer here. Someone is writing who’s distressed about the fact his not-quite-ex is involved with a teacher at their kids’ school. How can he get okay with this? He doesn’t want his children under this man’s guidance.

That’s a painful one, no doubt. You say you want your ex to be happy, and if it must be with him, you’ll accept that. That’s a good start. Letting the ex go to her happiness is a powerful act, and an important part of moving on to create your own new life and your own happiness.

But it just kills you to let the children be exposed to him. Let’s begin with the idea that this situation can’t kill you–but your thoughts about it certainly could. Look, if she ends up making a life with him (and she just might), they’re going to be exposed to him. They’re going to be in his care sometimes and under his influence. We can hope that they will love him and feel safe and happy with him. Wouldn’t that be best? And in no way would this diminish what happens between you and them. It would only ensure that they’re in good hands when they’re not in yours. And do you even want them in your hands every second? As a devoted mama, I find I deeply appreciate not being in charge of my children every second.

When I went to the School for The Work, I discovered, when it came to exploring my biggest fear, that I was terrified of being separated from my children. I mean fall-into-the-abyss terror. I went through a small bit of hell grappling with this. Someone showed up to support me with inquiry, and I questioned a few thoughts I had about my kids and what they needed (especially from me) to be okay. I learned, to my total astonishment, that I was only their mother. I wasn’t their God, I wasn’t their guardian angel, I wasn’t all that kept them safe, I wasn’t any number of things: just Mama. It’s a huge and beautiful role that’s a total privilege (just like your role of father), and it’s limited–like every other role we play in life. It was a huge relief to get this on such a deep level. It actually helped me to step in more fully for all that I do with and for them, and to step away and let go when it’s not my turn. When they’re in someone else’s care, I’ve been spared!

When this got worked out mentally, I had no clue I’d be divorced within 2 years and living with my children 50 percent of the time. That I was able to find the joys of this new schedule and feel great about my children having a life away from me (which includes another woman assisting in their care) . . . well, it’s another testament to the power of the transformation accessible through questioning your thoughts.

I’d like to challenge you to consider that it’s a bonus the kids are exposed to him in their school life. He’s part of their story too, now, and he has things to offer them. Whatever seems good or bad in that is just part of what is. They’ll get umpteen gifts from it, and these will be easier for them to open if they know their father has set them free to open them.

We’ll talk more about this in person. This is a beginning.

Jaya, do you feel “breakups” go through a grieving process much like when you lose someone via death? Wonder if you have a sense of the stages that your clients move through.

And what are your tips for someone when they first breakup…that can help them get to the BREAKTHROUGH.

And thanks for being such a great blog host today!

Aloha Jaya, Heather and friends! Jaya, do you have any suggestions for me for visioning an ideal partner/mate for me? I’ve hesitated on doing this up until now for fear of the immensity of that type of amazingness in my life. I welcome your support and suggestions. With Blessings, Dewi

Hi Dewi! Love seeing you here. Thanks for asking such a great question. I’ll let Jaya tackle that inquiry. But wanted to say “hello.”

Really powerful what you are sharing for parents!

I remember Eckart Tolle telling a frazzled mom once that her children, at that stage in her life, were her spiritual practice.

Dear Jaya, I’ve been out shopping and thinking about the dangers out there. They were on my mind for some reason today. I came home to a phone call that my partner’s niece relapsed and OD’d for the 5th time in her life. She was revived by CPR. I am glad we are familiar with the 12 steps and the need to be there for each other and yet detach from the mess someone else has made. I need to tell my partner when she gets home. You are so good with words. Any advice? Love to all, Annie

Hi Dewi, what a sweet name you have. I love “the immensity of that type of amazingness in my life.” Okay, first I’ll answer your question, then I’ll address this beautiful immensity.

I have a “triple list” method I love for visioning the ideal mate. The first list is the one where you write down absolutely everything you want, whatever it is. If I could have anything I wanted, what do I want? The sky’s the limit.

Then, setting that list aside, take a copy of it and cross out everything that’s too specific. This is the “let the Universe take care of the details” part. You may also ask yourself, what was the general thing I was after with this specific item I wrote? So if “blond” is one of your list items, it gets crossed out. I don’t know that I’d look too deeply for that one, but you may ask the specific-to-general question and get to the idea that you want someone you like to look at. (And think of all the faces we love to gaze into that aren’t necessarily beautiful by Hollywood standards, or that don’t have blond hair framing them!) Write in that general thing if you find that’s important to you.

Once you have the list honed down and the overly specific items removed, consider what’s non-negotiable, and mark those things. This is the third list, the non-negotiable things that you want to hold on to.

The list can be simply put aside, and reviewed periodically. Or you might want to make present-tense statements about them and repeat often, with gratitude and the accompanying feeling, that you have a partner who fulfills these criteria. There are different ways to work with them. . . .

By the way, the lists don’t have to include only things about the person. They could be things about the relationship, or who you are together. One of my non-negotiables is “we’re both bigger and of greater service for being together.” I don’t care how that manifests, but I’m certain at this point that I just don’t want to just date someone for fun or pleasure if that’s not part of it. And when I say those words, it’s music to my ears. In the meantime, I’m as big as I can be on my own in any given moment, and I offer my service as best I can.

Now back to your fear of amazingness. Dewi, write down everything that means to you. Just spew out on paper every short, simple sentence that expresses what you’re afraid of. I’m afraid of that type of amazingness in my life and that means that . . . You may learn some things about yourself that you weren’t conscious of. Really sit with this. Let each thought come out and say its name. Pin it down on paper so it’s not part of some big swarm of buzzing “you can’t have this” thoughts.

This is another method from Byron Katie. She would have you do The Work (go through the inquiry process) to question each of these thoughts. But you can also benefit just from looking at them. I don’t know what your list will look like, but let’s say one of the thoughts is “I don’t deserve to be that happy.” Sit with this, and consider the opposite: that maybe you do deserve to be that happy. Do you think others deserve this happiness? Can you join the human race and deserve it same as anyone else? Maybe another list item would be, “I’ll stop growing if I have that in my life.” Consider the opposite. Think of times you’ve gotten things you really wanted: did you stop growing? If so, was that inherent in the situation, or could it have been about something else.

There are so many ways to play with our thoughts. We start with getting clear that they’re just thoughts, then getting curious enough to look at them with fresh eyes. The Buddhists call it beginner’s mind. Katie calls it don’t-know mind. Whatever you call it, it allows you to look again, and then make a new life out of new thoughts.

Thanks so much for your question, Dewi.

.

Heather, for some people it’s almost exactly like a death–but for the tormenting thought that the person is still alive! And I’d say they go through the same stages.

When people are first going through a breakup, it’s probably not time for the breakthrough. But since The Work has come into my life, I’m a big believer in the idea that personal growth doesn’t have to happen by slow boat. Honestly, if we let go of any ideas of how long a healing or growth process should take, we’re much better off. The timing just isn’t our business. What is our business is showing up for whatever’s happening.

When people are in the beginning of a breakup, they often mostly need ways to be with their pain in kind ways. They need to be willing to feel the pain and take themselves through it (and get help moving through it) kindly.

They need to not tell themselves lies–so it helps if they know how to question their thoughts.

They need to be around people who won’t take sides or treat them like victims.

Ideally, they can experiment with the idea of a friendly universe conspiring in their favor. So, if it’s a friendly universe, why is it perfect that this precious person is out of my life now? Sit with that, walk with it, sleep with it–it can be an ongoing meditation. The answers that will come of this will be profound and contain all the seeds of the coming breakthroughs. It’s all a gift waiting to be opened. . . .

Aloha Heather! It’s a Joy to be a part of this loving thread with you dear. Big Hugs to you darling!

Wow Jaya, thank you so much for your thoughtful and loving response! This is something I’m saving to attend to and really give mySelf soon. I’m familiar with Katie’s Work though I haven’t done much extensively. I really see how it will serve that part of my process when I address the fear part that I identify. With Gratitude, Blessings and ALOHA, Dewi

Annie, wow. You don’t need help with words. Look how you just wrote it down here. The best words are always the ones that just say it.

I love that you’re already in balance with the idea of being there how you can (and want) and also detaching where it’s not your mess. I love the freedom that comes of giving freely when we know it’s a choice–and this includes consciously choosing not to give when that’s the right choice for us.

I don’t believe in sacrifice because even when we give up something for someone else, we’re doing it for us. We’re doing it because it makes us happy, or feels right, or matches the kind of friend, partner, parent, daughter/son, worker, boss we want to be.

I know you’ll support your partner lovingly. If you both support her niece in the best way for you, I honestly believe this is what ultimately will serve her the best, too. If it’s not right for you to help right now, she’ll get what she needs from someone else. I wish you all the best! love, Jaya

Love all of this Jaya. So much wisdom from your approach to life. Loving the opportunity to see you in action today!

Hey, friends, just letting you know I’m still going strong into the evening. Keep asking and commenting–I love this game.

Just received another question through e-mail. This dear soul writes that there’s a sweet boy-cat she loves as a mother loves her child, but this cat technically belongs to the boyfriend she no longer lives with–though they’re still holding on by a thread and “dating.” They cared for the cat together for years. She knows it’s not right for her to live with the man, but she’s afraid to get her own place because he might then declare it’s really over–and she’d lose this cat. She’s therefore living out of her car and staying with friends. She writes, “I’ve lost my foundation, I’ve lost stability and I’m now just wandering around in pain and unknown. My heart, my business and my head really need a home.”

Okay, sweetheart, this is very painful. I had a love affair with a cat that lasted 13 years. He died when my first baby was almost one, and I knew watching him go that I loved him in the same way I loved my daughter. I’ve also known what it is to live in a sort of limbo that feels like you’re not quite living your life, or like it doesn’t have the stable structures you need to support your well-being. That’s just not sustainable.

First, let’s address the very tender topic of losing the cat. I have a current definition of being spiritual that I love, and it’s simply this: being willing to show up for whatever’s really happening here and now. Are you willing? I would invite you to get okay with losing the cat completely. The cat could die at anytime anyway–he could get hit by a car. Anyone you love could die at any time. You could die at any time! I know my words aren’t comforting (yet), but stay with me. If you can accept that that level of loss is part of life, and that you can bear it (we can all bear it), then you can be okay.

You can grieve your relationship with this sweet furry creature, and you can love revisiting your memories of him, and you can stay open to love between you and other 4-legged creatures. (I haven’t been close to a cat since I lost mine 12 years ago! But somehow a dog made her way into my heart and home.) There is sorrow, and there’s sweetness in the sorrow. Can you feel it? Can you open your heart even to the pain and congratulate yourself for allowing yourself to love in such a big way?

If I were you, I’d do a simple ritual and speak to the cat’s soul, thanking him for all you got to share together, and how he opened your heart and continues to move you. I’d release him to his life without you and simply bless him. Bless him to have a great life without you–which he can do. And isn’t the whole of his life better for having begun it with you?

It’s not apparent from what you wrote that your boyfriend absolutely won’t let you continue some relationship with the cat, even if you make a clean break with him. And it’s also possible that a clean break would include no contact with him–and therefore no cat contact. I can’t know which is true for you, but you will. Life will show you if you don’t know already.

What if you’re okay either way? Cat or no cat. Allow that being okay doesn’t have to mean you feel good now, and definitely includes that you get to grieve. And you also get to get on with your life. Don’t hold on to a boyfriend because of the cat that goes with him. Another thing I’ve learned from Byron Katie is the hell we fear is often the hell we’re already living. You’ve already lost that life. Will you let it go?

From the little I know about you, I see you have ample resources to create a new life, and you’re equipped to create something beautiful (by which I mean BEAUTIFUL). Forget about whether it will have a man or a cat in it. Go for the home. Your words to me tell me that’s what you need now. You’re totally clear on that point. Act on it.

You asked about my free 60-minute exploration session. Yes, let’s spend that time together and look at what your thoughts are telling you that get in the way of your letting go and moving on. I know it looks like a freefall initially (and in a way it is), but everything that’s always supported you will be there for you to land well and to step solidly into the next version of yourself that’s sure to be even more beautiful than this one.
much love, Jaya

Hi Jaya!

Thanks for sharing your wisdom and how you journeyed to The Work! You’ve laid it out so beautifully here about how learning to watch our process and chip away at those thoughts and beliefs can just dissolve and leave us feeling in such a space of centeredness and joy. I read Katie’s first book many moons ago, and am inspired to pick it up again.

I remember about 20 years ago a dear friend of mine got deeply involved in her yoga and spiritual practice. I was still uptight and wearing blue navy suits to work in an office building at the time. I asked her what she was doing in her spiritual practice and she summed it up by saying “I’m learning to watch my mind and how it operates.” At the time I thought she had gone a bit off the deep end! Now I realize she was ahead of the curve and I absolutely get and feel the value and transformation of this inner journey.

Thanks for your great insights and sharing today!

Carolyn, thanks so much for this sharing! It does sound like your friend was ahead of the game. But then again, now’s the moment, always. . . .

If you’re inspired to look at Katie’s work, you might also check out 1000 Names for Joy, co-written with her husband Stephen Mitchell. It’s just beautiful. Her first book, Loving What Is, is the best “manual” for The Work process itself. It shows example after example of Katie doing The Work with people on every conceivable topic. Fun to hear on audio, because you hear the real people she did these inquiry dialogues with!

My best wishes to you in your ongoing journey!

Good night all. I’ve had the most beautiful day at Heather’s Soul-Filled Cafe. Heather, dearest, thank you so much for having me. You’re the best. Much love, Jaya