SOUL-FILLED CAFE: REJUVENATE YOUR LOVE WEEK
See the full schedule here.
Today’s Guest Post is by Michael & Bette Friedlander
One reason why some relationships need rejuvenating could be related to expectation and appreciation. More specifically, too much expectation and too little appreciation.
Expectation Kills Life
Remember the first time? “The first time what?” Oh, just about any first time when you did something for someone or they did something for you. Think about first dates, starting a new job, making new friends, meeting new people. There are a lot of “gifts” exchanged.
By gifts, we don’t necessarily mean gifts wrapped in paper, but favors provided, meals served or bought, rides given, errands performed. Remember how grateful the receiver was to get and how happy the giver was to give?
As familiarity grows, gifts turn into expectations. When that happens, all the pleasure and joy of gift-giving disappears. The juice that makes everyday living worthwhile just drains out of us.
We fall into patterns where we do things as part of our “relationships” that become expected, and then we grow resentful for doing them. We take things because we expect them, and then show no appreciation for the effort or results. Whether you’re in a romantic, familial, personal or professional relationship, there’s much you do for others and that others do for you that could be considered gifts, if only they weren’t expected.
These are some of the things we, Bette and Michael, do for each other and for ourselves as a couple. None of these are expected and each is considered and appreciated as a gift:
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We can rejuvenate any relationship by giving up our expectation of others. Then we can begin to appreciate the gifts that others provide. Wouldn’t life be wonderful if even everyday activities were fun and creative, and perceived as opportunities for giving? We could give to others, and be showered with gifts ourselves, just by giving up expectation.
Appreciation Gives Life
In the Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women workshop we teach women how important appreciation is to men; how appreciation is the fuel for their engines. If you want men to do more for you, show them more appreciation for what they already do.
But, woman or man, we are all hungry for appreciation. We need to be appreciated for what we provide. When we’re appreciated we want to do more. When we lack appreciation we grow resentful.
Unfortunately, because so much is expected of us all, we neither receive all the appreciation we deserve, nor do we give all the appreciation deserved by others. It takes practice to appreciate and to gracefully receive appreciation. We just need more opportunity to practice.
As we give up expectation, we’ll have abundant opportunity to appreciate all the gifts we’ll receive. And, the key to having others want to give more is in how we appreciate their gifts.
Showing appreciation is critical to having it land and be well-received. Saying “Thank you” in a monotone voice with a neutral face won’t make much of an impression. Show appreciation with a genuine smile and bright eyes. Then, speak sincerely, with a warm, lively voice.
Appreciate first for what is provided, and second for the difference it makes in your life. It’s clear from leading our workshops that, for most people, the second element is more difficult than the first. However, when someone knows how they’ve positively impacted your life they are inspired to provide more.
For example, what possible difference in your life does taking out the trash make? Well, both of us, Bette and Michael, need a clean working environment to prepare meals with ease and comfort. How Bette thanks Michael for taking out the trash goes something like “Honey, thank you for emptying the trash. I knew I’d need more space in the can before dinner was done. It was making me feel anxious but now I’m ready to cook.”
If we just think for a moment about all we do in our lives the difference others make for us it will become clear. True appreciation, shown and expressed sincerely, will go a long way towards rejuvenating any relationship.
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Bette and Michael Friedlander are the first couple to co-lead the popular PAX program, “Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women.” (The workshop has historically been lead by a female workshop leader.)
Michael’s introduction to PAX Programs came when his wife of one year, Bette, came home from her own Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women workshop. “Wow,” he thought “this is different!” And it was, and still is.
“Leading Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women with Bette may be the single most satisfying and important thing I’ve ever done. Our partnership as leaders is an expression of our love and partnership within our marriage. It’s overwhelming to experience the transformation that occurs within the workshop in only two days. I’m brought to tears each and every time.” ~Michael Friedlander
In their free time, native New Yorkers, Bette and Michael also co-lead Cowles Graphic Design, their design and marketing business.
Find out more about PAX and Bette and Michael’s workshops at www.understandmennewyork.com
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I am an innovative coach and love inspiring you to find soul-satisfying success for your creative endeavors. I am also a writer, author, and "laptop lifestyle" enthusiast.