Rejuvenate Love: Practical Steps to Transform Heartache into Heart-full Impact and Brilliance

Hello Carolyn! Thank you for sharing your Saturday with us. And hanging out at the Soul-filled Cafe.

And thank you for creating this beautiful video message. I loved each and every sticky note of wisdom.

More soon. (walking the dog, grabbing some coffee, and a bit breakfast…)

big love, Heather

Good morning everyone! First of all, thanks Heather for having me here at the Soul-filled Cafe. It’s really been a wonderful week – totally loving the conversation, questions and insights that everyone has shared here on the topic of Rejuvenate Your Love! Heather – you are a real inspiration! I am so glad to be a part of this very special happening. It totally does feel like walking into your neighborhood cafe and meeting up with some of your pals to shoot the breeze.

So a big personal welcome to each of you! I hope the perspective and tips I offer in the video are really helpful and illuminating to everyone out there who has every had or is suffering from some form of heartache and wanting to know how to use that particular blend of emotions as a jumping off point to something truly amazing.

I’ll be here throughout the day – so let’s get the party started!

What’s the scoop from you on how you’ve handled bringing your broken heart back online?

Or, are you struggling with that and need some help?

What light bulbs went off for you with the four strategies I presented?

Do you have other perspectives or approaches you’ve taken to move from heartache to having heart-full impact and brilliance?

I’m here and welcoming your questions, contributions, stories and connection. Let this final day of the Rejuvenate Your Love week be rich, juicy, insightful and a total blast.

Love and light
Carolyn

PS – Lol re: the sticky note of wisdom comment, Heather! (You’ll have to check out the video to catch that reference I’ve been a fan of the sticky note for ages as a way to brainstorm out and organize thoughts. For some reason the ones I jotted down my 4 points on weren’t so big on the “sticky” side and just wanted to fly off my wee tripod stand instead. So… just had to keep it real in the video and work with that as best I could.

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Hi Heather & Carolyn,

Great seeing you here today!

Carolyn, our mutual friend, Coco Fossland, suggested we meet about a year ago … so I’m happy to find you here on Heather’s blog!

Great video. So helpful for those going through a break up or a difficult time.

Thank you for sharing your wisdom and have an excellent day!

Love, Cherry

[spoiler alert...if you have not watched Carolyn's video, go watch it now, about to discuss some of the tips]

Carolyn,
Thank you for sharing your sticky note wisdom with us (lol, I loved the authenticity of the sticky notes…, I can see a niche for you: “Carolyn’s sticky note bits of brilliance…!)

I just love your perspective on heartbreak as a real opportunity for transformation. I have always felt that way myself and that some of our toughest moments are truly are best teachers (our Graduate School Professors! I love that) And these moments are never in isolation…it is our bumping up against the other people in our lives.

I like to imagine that when we complete this lifetime, we all meet up in the afterlife and give each other pats on the back and give out our biggest hugs to the ones who played the roles that were the toughest on us, but had us grow the most. One of my mentors, Denise Linn, says that it may even be that we create pacts with certain individuals ahead of time, where they agree: “Ok, I’ll play the role of the b%$^& boss in your life so you learn to stand your ground.” Or, “I’ll play your college sweetheart who cheats on you, so you learn about forgiveness” It helps me “reframe” as you say these moments and relationships that are truly full of golden opportunity when we can see them that way.

[quick side note] TRUE GRIT! Go see the new movie! I had a spontaneous cry during it (wrote a blog post about that.) There is something about watching this young girls heart-impact journey. I know you’ll love the new version.

And finally, your 4th tip about vulnerability as strength. Whew. That’s a BIGGIE. And I believe the one that trips most of us up. I know for myself, it’s like I want to get to the healing and renewed strength place ASAP and skip over some of that vulnerability part. (Like, “ok, it’s been 3 months, I’m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel here. Time to pull myself up by the bootstraps. Learned that lesson…onward and upward…and then WHAM it will sneak up on me, a big cry or meltdown and then it’s “ok, I guess there still some tenderness here” )
What suggestions do you have for not pushing past the vulnerability but staying present and keeping the heart open. Any resources? Or would love to know more about how you keep yourself vulnerable…

Thanks again for being here!

love you, h

Yes!
“Let this final day of the Rejuvenate Your Love week be rich, juicy, insightful and a total blast.”

Love it! You are the PERFECT bookend to this magical week, Carolyn.

Hi Carolyn,
I love your coal to diamond analogy! Really useful in applying to ALL adverse situations…
Thank you for sharing in Heather’s cafe.

Best, Anne Gray (Yes, one of Heather’s sisters!)

Yay Anne! You figured out the “comments” (or did Lauren help?)

thanks for being here and watching C’s video.

So nice to “meet” you here Anne – and thanks for your comments. Sounds like this is a new thing for you to do perhaps?

Yes – I heard that analogy about the journey of a coal to a diamond many years ago and find it to be so powerful!

Somewhere along the way we seem to think that if we’re feeling afraid or uncomfortable that we’re not “doing it right.” When in fact all we’re doing is experiencing the effects of growth and expansion! We’re just feeling the pressure and cooking along – and if we stick with it instead of trying to numb it out or short circuit it we will get through the other side.

Thanks for stopping by!

Aaah, Heather! Thanks so much for your thoughts and perspective here – it so resonates with me!

The idea that we meet up with our ex-partners, nasty bosses and overbearing parents in the afterlife and say to one another “Jeez, that was quite the ride – thanks for helping me play out that round by being such an S.O.B.” is perfect. And I even share that perspective of us living out our soul’s curriculum and offering the “grit” to each other in particularly designed and perfect ways is something I’ve shared with my kids. I remember once having that conversation with my youngest son about that with his dad – that this is the way this Earth School operates and while it may look like from time to time mom and dad aren’t totally digging one another, that underneath it all we are all just doing the best we can and that we’ve made these soul agreements with one another. He was about 10 years old at the time and he totally got it!

Re: how to stay open and present with the vulnerability – great question! It’s something I am still in the process of practicing. I think my commitment to choose that rather than come across all competent and packaged and “together” comes from seeing that staying at some level of control and modulation just doesn’t open up the flow of intimacy and connection I really want. Perhaps as I get older, er.. I mean wiser.. there is a weariness of holding up that facade like I did in my 20s and 30s.

So in practical terms it really just is a choice. Use whatever is up for you in that moment and articulating it can get the door to vulnerability open. For example, you can say “I’m really afraid to say this to you because I don’t want you to judge me but I want to be totally honest with you” or “I feel really vulnerable, and like I don’t have all the “answers” but can I just share with you what my heart is telling me right now?” Speak to what is there, rather than ignoring it – does that make sense?

The path you talk about of feeling like things are on a good path and then you get hit with the WHAM moments that feel like they take you out again is so common. But we need to remember our evolution as spiritual beings isn’t a lock-step, linear progression. It is more of a spiral – we cycle through certain patterns and experiences at deeper and deeper levels which is just part of the releasing process. I believe these moments show up as opportunities for us to see how we have grown wiser and evolved from the heartache moments, not as proof that we’re still messed up and here it is again (that’s totally the limited ego who tells us that). So when you feel yourself hitting a tender spot, just be grateful you can see it and commit to loving yourself through that place.

The most awesome and powerful teacher I can recommend in terms of resources and learning how to live with your heart wide open is Dr. Barbara De Angelis. She is bar none the most impactful spiritual teacher I’ve ever experienced. Many people know her for her expertise in relationship and intimacy, but having worked and trained with her intensively for the last 4 years, I can tell you that she is really more about training and preparing people to raise their consciousness and vibration in profound ways. Her latest book “How Did I Get Here” is excellent. Plus, she offers some incredible seminars (Breakthrough, Goddess – which is just for women!) that clear out all the gunk and walls that many of us have surrounding our heart.

re: True Grit – alright, I’ll take you up on that recommendation! I’m way way behind on being up on all the Oscar-nominated flicks this year. Going out tonight with my daughter to check out “Blue Valentine”.

Thanks Heather!

Love and light
Carolyn

Hi Cherry!

Thanks for stopping by here – and how awesome is Coco Fossland! I love her.

Actually – I’m thinking you and I actually might have crossed paths at a Life Purpose Summit a few years back, yes?

Thanks for your kind comments – and for contributing your beautiful blend of wisdom and insight here at Heather’s cafe. Pretty neat experience isn’t it!

I’m glad to meet you here again and I hope our paths cross again soon! Always great to meet fellow soul-filled and fun travellers!

Love and light
Carolyn

Hi Carolyn,

Oh my. I LOVED your video. I found you so wonderful to listen to, and so authentic. Conversational. Real. So nice to watch, and thank you for doing it. I also very much resonated with your wonderful words about Heather and the soul-filled cafe. You are so right

I found that I really focused in on your discussion of vulnerability, and how it can be such a position of strength. Not just for us, but for everyone around us. It helps to create such a healing environment where everyone can relax and just be themselves. So authentic!

Thank you Carolyn for your excellent 4 tips. I just sent them off to some people I thought could use them about now.

Alex

Hi Alex! Thanks for adding to our Saturday conversation with Carolyn. Love seeing you here.

I so agree…the vulnerable piece that Carolyn shares is such a big key in all of this. If we did just that one thing, kept our hearts open with each other, and were authentic moment to moment, our lives (and the world) would be transformed.

Thanks for forwarding to others.

<3

Thank you Carolyn!
I remember seeing Barbara De Angelis speak 4 years ago (right at the time you began working with her). I was really moved by how she shared herself and could tell she had made a big shift herself in the work she is doing. I will check out her book.

And thanks for what you are sharing about the ongoing choice to be vulnerable. I like looking at it as a “practice”. Just moment to moment. And seeing what life brings to the table to be with. It’s funny, I feel if you do that one thing, you don’t really need any other strategy or new knowledge to rejuvenate love.

I knew it was going to be brilliant to have you here at the tail end of this week.

love, h

PS Haven’t seen Blue Valentine yet. Let me know how you like it…

Hello wonderful Carolyn!!!

Its been sooo long since we’ve been in contact. I was so excited to hear you’d be here. From day one I knew you had this warm, caring heart. You’re proving this today with your helpful tips.

I went through the nicest, kindest divorce and it was because we reframed the divorce/break up…because we worked together to keep what was good and remove what wasn’t working. Exactly what you had said…we taught each other lessons we needed to learn and respected the teacher and student in each other.
Transformation is in our power!

Question for you- I have a girlfriend who after 13 years of ending a relationship has re entered an even more disrespectful relationship with the same man. Do you feel this is because she did not learn the lesson or did not transform the outcome in a positive way that was beneficial for her? As a friend I find it difficult to stay neutral…although I do…but I would really like to help her respect herself and this man for the people they are today. Any advice or tips??

Thanks Carolyn..so good to see/hear you again!!!
Warmly
Lisa Berry (formerly Lisa Lambier)

Hi, Carolyn,

I just had to get in on this conversation…what a lovely small world this is! Heather has been telling me about you and your work for quite some time, Carolyn…and now to know that you know Coco, too! (And Cherry, and the Life Purpose Summit…)

Besides really enjoying your work and your message, I also wanted to let you know that there is something about you that just radiates peace and gentleness. Your voice, your photos, your words, all of it.

I don’t have a specific question; I just really wanted to hang out a bit and play with all of you in the cafe today.

Warmly,
Sue

Hi Carolyn!
This is great! I love your perspective that there is “so much juice and wisdom that we learn (from) heart-ache.” Oh! How true that is…whether it’s heartache in relationships or heart ache with work or something else we put our heart and soul into! There is always a message, a lesson, something to learn about ourselves, isn’t there? (Not always so easy to remember at the time, though!)
The truth is, anything that we love or open to, we have the potential to feel pain or loss or vulnerable. But because it’s painful, we think it’s bad, like we should avoid it, but as you say, “everything serves us.”
This is a small example (or it may seem small to some, but it’s big to me): My beloved dog, Bacchus, is getting old and has been in a lot of pain. After an upsetting visit to the vet yesterday, realizing that things are not great, I was in tears. My daughter was so upset that I was crying; and at first I felt “guilty” (ugh) that I had upset her. But then I realized that this was such an opportunity to teach her about love. I let her know that even though I was sad, I felt SO lucky – I wouldn’t feel sad, if I hadn’t loved so much and gotten so much from this relationship.
I know I’m talking about a dog, and you are talking about humans, but love is love…and when the heart feels love, it is vulnerable – and given a gift.
Thanks for sharing your wisdom Carolyn! It’s nice to see you here!
Heather’s blog is an awesome place to catch up and connect with great people!!

Thanks for coming and playing Sue. Love *hanging out* with you too.

PS Your photo is not showing up though, you may need to “login” to disqus…you are looking rather pale.

Thanks for being here Lisa. And thanks for getting in a good, juicy question for Carolyn.

Happy that you 2 are reconnecting (you, Alex and Carolyn are all Torontonian area folk!! Canadians in the house!)

Karen, I love that you shared your heart and your vulnerability with us. I know from speaking with you that this is a big deal. Our pets are part of the family (especially after 11 years!). I know Carolyn is a dog owner too, so look forward to her wisdom.

big love, h

Ahhh you are soo funny. I think there’s a life “party girl” in you Heather!!!
Muah xo

!! Yes, I added my comment first, then tried to login to disqus…clearly didn’t work! I’ll get the hang of this yet…

Hi Karen!

This is a lovely vignette you are sharing with us here. Our children, in addition to being probably our most profound teachers, are unbelievably wise and pick up everything from us. What you modelled to your daughter is that it is healthy to feel ALL of your emotions – to share them and to ask for what you need. This will serve her so beautifully – far better than trying to be the “keep a stiff upper lip” kind of mom. Kids are so intuitive and soak up vibe like sponges – so helping her learn to honor and appreciate the specialness of having a sweet pooch like Bacchus and yes, there is the pain of thinking of the day he won’t be with you, but it’s all part of a connected emotional spectrum. The more we’re willing to dive into the deep dark end of the less pleasant feeilngs ie the sadness, the hurt, the anger, the more you’ll find yourself able to feel and express the bliss, the ecstasy and the pure joy of taking your next breath.

Heather is right – I’m a dog owner myself. She’s a cute labradoodle named Sandy and she’s a big part of my family. I’ve often thought that if we all treated ourselves with the love and kindness we treat our pets, the world would be a radically different place.

Thanks for stopping in Karen – great to chat with you!

Love and light
Carolyn

Ha! Maybe the fact that it’s Saturday is bringing out that side of me. ;^)

Sarah Robinson has “theme music” at her blog events, I could look into that…or creating a virtual party night at the Soul-filled Cafe, where we all turn our speakers up and dance around the light of our laptops (lol)

There you are!
Yes…tech failures…it happens to the best of us.

Shucks Sue – visualize me blushing and scuffing my shoes right now. Thank you so much for your sweet words and for dropping by!

It is indeed a very small world — Sherry, Sue, Coco, Heather, a converging vortex of some pretty neat women (and yes, some great guys in there too!).

Glad to bump into you again here in Heather’s lovely cafe!

Love and light
Carolyn

Karen, my gosh. That was very moving to read. I feel for you, SO MUCH, having that experience with Bacchus and the conversation with your daughter about it. Whew.

But you’re so right – what a way to turn it around into love. About feeling so lucky to have loved. I really really get what you and Carolyn are saying, and appreciate the mindshift for not only myself, but anytime my children are in pain about something ending. I’ll be able to share this with them. This is such a gift of insight.

Thank you both.

Alex

Hi Alex!

So great to have you drop by! I really appreciate your visit here and thank you so much for your beautiful words. I actually have to thank and honor you! I was thinking about writing an article for Heather initially, but I was so inspired watching yours that I thought “Hey, that is awesome!” So right back atcha in terms of warmth and authenticity. Totally keeping it real

Your comment about seeing vulnerability as a creating a healing environment not just for yourself but for those around you as well is very true. I remember about 10 years ago when I was assisting at a lot of transformational seminars. Everyone was given a workbook and we made a big deal out of making sure everyone put their names on it so it wouldn’t get lost or mixed up with someone else.

I initially thought that was great. After all during the course of the seminar people would do journalling exercises about some pretty core fears and beliefs about themselves. I’m talking beliefs like “I’m not good enough”, “There’s something wrong with me”, “I’m afraid I’m unlovable” etc. Things I thought that you’d never want anyone else to really know.

But then I realize that EVERYONE had these same fears. It actually didn’t really matter whether you stuck your name on your workbook or not. You could pick up any one of them and discover that everyone has these same fears. The stories of how these beliefs are expressed and perceived but the core fears are something we all share and have in common.

So when we are willing to be vulnerable it’s there’s a part within the other person that says “Phew! I can so relate to that and I’m not alone.” It opens up the listening and creates a path for great compassion and understanding. That’s the way I perceive it

And thanks for sharing the tips with your friends Alex – much appreciated!

Love and light
Carolyn

Thanks Alex – I’m so glad you found it moving and helpful. You know i’ve been thinking a lot about daughters lately;) so i was totally in tune with her worrying about me, needing me to be ok, because, you know, that’s what “good girls” are supposed to do – make sure everyone else is ok. So I was aware how important it was for me to let her know I was, in fact, ok, that I could tolerate these painful feelings (I didn’t have to stuff them – or eat them;) – away…and she didn’t have to make it go away in me either.
And of course, the lesson about love…my goodness, that is one that is so tricky to remember when feeling the pain of loss…I remember for a moment last night there was a part of me that literally actually thought…why do i put myself through this…why did I love him so much. And then I remembered why and it made me happy. And THAT is so what I want my children to get.
Wow, this is really therapeutic!
I was just planning on emailing you but my email box is all messed up so I couldnt’ find your email address. Wanted to let you know how the class went.
So good to see you here at the cafe!

Oh, you are so right, Carolyn. Kids are SO intuitive – they know everything, even when we think we’re “protecting” them. I was just teaching a class this morning (and Thursday night) to moms of daughters about eating and body image, and talked about how our girls KNOW exactly what we feel in our bodies, what we think of ourselves, how we take care of ourselves. We are trying to teach them something about feeling good about themselves/in their bodies, but THEY TOTALLY KNOW if we haven’t “gotten” that yet…there is no tricking them, is there!
THANK YOU so much for your words about Bacchus – it is so true – I wouldn’t trade the magic he’s offered for anything (I just wish he wasn’t in pain!). I know as a dog owner, you know exactly what I mean – dogs are the perfect companion – so loving without any judgment!! And I LOVE THAT: If we all treated ourselves with the love and kindness we treat our pets, the world – our inner and outer worlds – would be a radically different place.
Thanks for being here, Carolyn!

Thanks Heather – I know you know how much I adore this dog!

And THANK YOU for providing this beautiful cafe to share ideas and feelings in. You have created a bit of magic here – a safe place to not only connect with other great people, but to really share and be vulnerable. I for one am very grateful!!
LOVE to you, Karen

Hi fabulous Lisa!

So nice to meet you here at the Soul-filled Cafe! And a big congrats to you and your ex on creating what sounds like a very respectful divorce. I know even if that is your joint intention there are those inevitable rough patches of pain, but if you are both willing to walk that path it’s really great. When one partner isn’t interested in finding the high road it can be very difficult

Great question about your friend and I have a few thoughts I’d want to share. My philosophy and approach is to be willing to go out, take risks and learn from my mistakes. When you see someone go out and make the same kind of mistake, and creating more heartache for herself, chances are that she hasn’t fully integrated the lessons from that earlier relationship. I have to balance my comments here to say that everyone has their own spiritual curriculum, with their own timetable to healing built into it. So I would say it’s more accurate to say that your friend is still in the process of learning some deeper lesson about self-respect and self-love and this second relationship is showing up in service of that.

The other offer I’d like to make to you is to look at what it really means when you express a desire to “stay neutral.” Of course offering strong opinions and fix-it solutions aren’t the answer. Yet I do hope you are speaking the truth of what you are seeing for your friend here as you see here in a place of some suffering and contraction in her current disrespectful relationship. You can speak to her from your own experience. Let her know that you care for her, and that you feel sad to see her not getting the respect you feel she deserves and ask what she sees around that for herself. Ask her some questions about whether she really sees that pattern repeating and if that’s something she wants to keep on experiencing – 6 months, or even 5 years from now. I think you’re absolutely in a great position to support her in seeing what’s really going on and making some different choices.

How do we tell people the truth, even when we have a feeling they might not like hearing it? My spiritual teacher, Barbara De Angelis, offers some great wisdom here. She says all we can ever do is offer the cake (of our wisdom, insights, truth) but we can’t force the other to eat it. Otherwise we have an agenda to fix someone and if we believe that we’re all just living out our various lessons in this school called Earth, no one is really broken or in need of fixing.

But in general – keep holding a space of love and truth for your friend. I hope that helps!

Love and light
Carolyn

What?!? Didn’t know there were so many Canucks here — we do get around. Love it!

Alex, Lisa – we should hook up for a coffee here in TO!

Love and light
Carolyn

Karen, I’m so sorry to hear about Bacchus’ pain (and all of yours)…and I can totally relate. As you know, I’m head over heels in love with my dogs, too! I’ve had to make tough choices with two previous dogs when it was time to let each one of them go, and even though I was crying my eyes out through the night with them before it was time, I still consider being with them at the end as one of the most profound moments of my life. And truly grieving and loving them through it also taught me a lot about the power of being present in each moment, even when the moments feel so painful. I wouldn’t trade that time with them for anything…and I also truly believe that it helped my healing process. I can look back with peace and joy at the time we had together, and treasure the painful moments as well.

Yes, they’re ‘just dogs’ but like you wrote, love is love.

I truly believe that what you’re sharing with your daughter at this time is something you will both remember forever.

Lots of love to all of you!
Sue

Yes, this is such a wonderful opportunity to connect, isn’t it?!?

Warmly,
Sue

Just back from seeing Blue Valentine — wonderful performances! Very much in the theme of love and heartache — it’s a moving story about a young couple’s romance that starts to disintegrate over the years.

Looks like we’re winding it up here at the Soul-filled Cafe for the day – I want to thank you again Heather for inviting me to be a part of this wonderful week. It’s been a real honor!

If anyone has any more questions or insights, please do share. I’ll be back to connect with you.

Have a fantastic weekend everyone!

Love and light
Carolyn

Nice to meet you Carolyn. Wonderful video and post. It sounds like you know Rumi (13th century Persian Poet). And if you don’t, I bet you’d like his work.

“From the dust of the earth to a human being, there are a thousand steps. I have been with you through these steps. I have held your hand and walked by your side. You may think that I have left you on the side of the road. Don’t complain. Don’t become mad and don’t open the lid of the pot. Boil happily and be patient. Remember what you are being prepared for.” -Rumi

Thanks for sharing the Rumi quote with us, Mary Kay. Very powerful.

Carolyn, a big HUG and THANK YOU for hosting our Saturday “Rejuvenate Love” day. It was the perfect way to wrap up this full week series. And I am so glad you chose to create a video. It makes the experience of YOU so much closer. And love getting to see you in your creative office too. (I kept meaning to mention that the green fish on the stand in the background kept capturing my eye, and wanted to know the significance of it, if any….)

Thanks for sharing about Blue Valentine too. I love the actors in it, so I will look to see it when I have the opportunity. And let me know how you like “True Grit.”

And a special thank you for the 4 tips that were just the perfect ending for this week of love. I love watching your brilliant journey unfold. I honor your friendship and your mentorship.

Looking forward to more from you, dear Carolyn!!

From my heart to yours,
BIG LOVE, Heather

(going to repost this at the top of the comments so others see this…)

Carolyn, a big HUG and THANK YOU for hosting our Saturday “Rejuvenate Love” day. It was the perfect way to wrap up this full week series. And I am so glad you chose to create a video. It makes the experience of YOU so much closer. And love getting to see you in your creative office too. (I kept meaning to mention that the green fish on the stand in the background kept capturing my eye, and wanted to know the significance of it, if any….)

Thanks for sharing about Blue Valentine too. I love the actors in it, so I will look to see it when I have the opportunity. And let me know how you like “True Grit.”

And a special thank you for the 4 tips that were just the perfect ending for this week of love. I love watching your brilliant journey unfold. I honor your friendship and your mentorship.

Looking forward to more from you, dear Carolyn!!

From my heart to yours,
BIG LOVE, Heather

Thank you for the beautiful Rumi quote, Mary Kay! I only know or have heard of a few of the poems, and this one really does offer absolute truth and clarity about how path. Yup – our job is to boil happily, be patient and loving, and we are all absolutely being prepared.

Awesome to have it here – thanks again!

Love and light
Carolyn