Thank You For Leaving Me

by Heather on July 27, 2011 · 70 comments

Guest Expert Farhana Dhalla,
Author of “Thank You for Leaving Me”

Hello Lovely Peeps of the Soul- Filled Café.

“It was Valentine’s Day and I just found out that my husband of 10 years had purchased a gift for another woman. All day I was numb. Surreally, I drifted through my day with heaviness in my heart.

I hung onto denial like it was my last friend in the world. I couldn’t bear the thought of my world disintegrating. It just couldn’t be. He wouldn’t do that. There had to be an explanation.

With a strange kind of calm that only complete shock can produce, I asked him about it when he came home from work. His convincing denials and innocent-looking face almost had me believing him. For a flash, I thought I had manufactured this in my head. If I did not have tangible, physical proof in my hands to the contrary, I would have believed him.

The look of innocence on his face was familiar. I was shocked at how believable he appeared and I wondered how many times in the past I had fallen for his lies. Clearly, I had just not wanted to see the truth.”

Yep, that is the first vignette of my book Thank You for Leaving Me.

And truth be told, Thank You were not exactly the first words that came to my mind… I had other choice words to say to him. If I were to type them here I would exhaust the symbol keys on my keyboard LOL!

But over time, Thank You became the words.

When people hear the title of the book there are two expressions I often see… either they are smiling because they too have made the journey to gratitude and their blossoming lives are evidence of their peace and power or… they have a longing or achy look because they desire their freedom. Their freedom from pain, from guilt, from blame and their freedom from fear.

The only way I know how to get from point V (victim) to point F (freedom) is to tell the truth… and be willing to hear the truth… even the subtle truths.

Pay Close Attention to the First Feeling.

Interestingly, when my husband told me that the marriage was over, my first split second feeling was relief. But right on it’s tail was fear. I completely ignored my first feeling and attached myself onto a conditioned response of fear and desperation. (ugh!)

The first feeling is always your truth. It is a subtle knowing that can act in complete contradiction to what the situation typically dictates but it is your personal guidance system. Pay close attention to what it is telling you.

The answer always whispers to you. Listen.

Take 100% Responsibility.

He made it pretty easy to be the fall guy in why our marriage went south, but in actuality, I was 100% responsible for co-creating the life that I had been living. That was a big frikkin’ horse pill for me to swallow. When I started to look at all the ways that I had contributed to the demise of our relationship, I would call him up and clean it up. It was the most free-ing thing I had ever done.

Claiming your 100% responsibility does not negate the other persons 100% responsibility. But that is theirs to sort out.  You only have control on who you are and how you show up.

I just knew that I wanted freedom too much to not undergo this vulnerable catharsis.

Tell the Truth.

Not just about the crap or that you yelled at the kids or the overwhelm and fear that you experience from time to time… but also about your beauty, your strength, your resilience, your creativity, your resourcefulness.

Tell the truth about THAT!

If you cannot tell the truth about your magnificence ask yourself if your circle can hold space for your growth and juicy re-invention.

Surround yourself with people who will celebrate you in your pain and in your magnificence and see them as no different. For they are not. Your pain is just a breadcrumb on a trail to your Magnificence.

And you will know that you are well on your way to Being your Magnificence when you feel the stirring of immense gratitude because you see that nothing was ever done TO you. Everything was done FOR you.

KissKiss,

Farhana

Oh yes, I have a couple of prezzies for you – click here for Gifts for Soul-filled Cafe Peeps!

–

So, Lovely Ones… what do you want to talk about today? Letting go and the Big Fat Fears? Reconciling Anger with being Spiritual? Trusting Yourself Again? Navigating Parenting and Co-parenting? The lines are open… and so am I ;-)

* * *

Farhana Dhalla

Farhana Dhalla is the ultimate ‘go to’ person for shifting perspectives. Her philosophy of seeing that everything is done FOR you versus TO you is the paradigm shift that helps people unlock the gifts in their situation and liberate them into living a more enriching life.

Along with being a single mom of 3 expressive children, she is an Enlightened Divorce Coach, Speaker and Author of the internationally recognized book, “Thank You for Leaving Me.”

www.farhanadhalla.com

 

Don’t miss a thing. Sign up for the Soul-filled Cafe today! Click here.

Tagged as: , ,

← Older Comments
  • http://www.FarhanaDhalla.com Farhana Dhalla

    Joshua, 

    It took me a while to respond to you because i was awestruck and lovingly pierced by your words. Thank you.

    Even right now, I, who is hardly ever at a shortage for words can’t seem to come up with something that can do justice here but I shall continue to type and let my heart unfold what it wants to.

    I love the way you reframed what the ring meant and used that as a touchstone to deepen your relationship with the Divine.

    And you have taken your work much further… you act as a conduit for healing prayers and love for so many…you are so awakened into your purpose and I can literally feel your energy from here.

    I actually ‘met’ your soulmate Gina on the cafe a few weeks back… she took us through some delicious processes and coaches tremendously for people to go deeper and be more inquisitive. You two make a powerful couple.

    I see you are next weeks guest and what an honour it will be for me to entrench into your work more.

    With love,
    Farhana

  • http://www.abiggerpond.com Sandy Weiner

    Farhana,

    Thank you for your thoughtful and wise reply to my comment. I just read through all the comments of the day, and wow! You have opened up something very profound here. 

    I am sorry to hear about all the pain you suffered. Like me, you are able to process and learn the lesson meant to be learned. 

    Early in my marriage, we lost a child. He was five years old and a sweet, sweet angel of a boy. As painful as that was, it was the beginning of my growth. Why do we grow so much through pain, damn it? I’d be happy to learn my lessons through joy!!!

    Just wanted to point out something that you said above that resonated with me. You spoke about your appointment with Anjali Hill for marital counseling right after your marriage ended. I love what she said to you “there may be more truth in you two being apart than in being together.” 

    I’ve already spoken about my career change, but what I didn’t mention is that my ex-husband learned how to express himself emotionally and has made a career out of it as well! Before the divorce, he had two basic ways of dealing with anger: rage or stonewalling. 

    Now, he has language, skills. This all came as a result of us trying to forge a new relationship as we were divorcing. 

    Bonus: my kids can express themselves beautifully.

    I could go on and on, but I’ll stop here. Thank you for your loving heart and wise soul.

    Sandy
    http://www.lastfirstdate.com

  • http://www.StrongPrayers.com Joshua Home Edwards

    Thank You Farhana…I deeply appreciate your acknowledgments and I’m thrilled to learn that you’ve had a chance to connect with Gina!

    Along with being an extraordinarily clear conduit for Heaven on Earth, she is my Wunna Wunna and I am immensely blessed by all of her exquisite Gifts (so much so that I can’t help but tell everybody I know about how great she is :O)

    And, I immensely honored to be connecting with you in this way as well.  

    You are clearly on the leading edge of what this whole transformational movement is really all about and I love learning from your example.

    For Your Purpose,

    Joshua   

  • http://www.shen-om.com Nadineshenher

    Wow, Such a pleasure to know you and learn more wisdom of this great journey as souls. I am sure you have made the journey much easier for those who have perhaps experienced something similar and your Wisdom, Grace, and Beauty is very evident in your smile and real true energy of Light.   Question for you: What Leads/Directs your to Your Amazing Divine Spirituality?      I look forward to staying in touch for awhile in years to come and am proud of how you continue To Be You!   All The Best, Nadine Shenher

  • Anonymous

    Farhana, Thank You for connecting today and I remember the first day we met as it was perfectly planned…I recall getting a copy of your book “Thank You for Leaving Me” for a girlfriend and I am sure your writing this has helped and guided many others. The Title is Amazing!  Keep Shining and Best Wishes Always. Your Smile and Wisdom is Magnificent and Continues to Radiate ! These writings of yours were meant to be and Congratulations on this book as it would be nice to see it Globally in more languages…    Many Blessings! Nadine

  • Anonymous

    Congratulations on your Book and I recall purchasing this book for a girlfriend in mind at the time. I am sure you have helped the journey for many on this universal path. Best Wishes always and would be nice to see this Globally in many different languages.  Much Love, Nadine

  • http://www.FarhanaDhalla.com Farhana Dhalla

    Ahh Nadine… you are a thirst quencher that is for sure.

    I always have the same feeling when I see you in person or in our cyber world…

    Hmmm…. what leads or directs the process….I think I am one of the lucky ones. Many people have struggled with their definition of God or their belief in the Greater for a variety of reasons. Not I. I was always led to believe in a loving God. So with those eyes I can get to the place of THIS TOO IS LOVE easily. Now, don’t let me fool you… I have many victimesque moments but the shift can come easily for me. In fact, it is more my natural state.

    I used to meditate daily and I still do from time to time but more and more my daily practice is in the remembering of higher influence in the dailiness of things. And I feel comforted knowing that I am not in this alone.

    I am also selective on who I invite into my life. I am entirely enriched by who I surround myself and feel such privilege with the calibre of people who surround me. 

    I also listen now to the subtle whispers. I trust my decisions. It does mean that I raise a few eyebrows with the decisions i make but that is okay. I am listening to me. And since all paths are holy, I don’t question what I am guided to do too much.

    Does that answer the question? If not, please let me know.

    Thanks and love and more love,
    Farhana

  • http://www.FarhanaDhalla.com Farhana Dhalla

    Me too honey… I am not out there ‘hawking my wares’ I just really believe in what this book can do. I appreciate your support. xoF

  • http://www.FarhanaDhalla.com Farhana Dhalla

    Thank you Sweetness… Now lets allow the Universe to conspire ;-)

  • http://www.FarhanaDhalla.com Farhana Dhalla

    Well that was fun folks… thank you so much for your contribution, your stories, your resilience, your grace and your POWER. Divorce is a time where we come face to face with the crumbling of dreams and beliefs. It is a time where we can get to know ourselves at the most intimate level and in that… know God. Divorce is a spiritual process. Embrace your endings just as you would your beginnings because again, they are no different. Those of you that have used your experience as a catalyst for spiritual breakthroughs know that what awaits you is utterly exquisite. As you are. 

    Good night kisses,
    Farhana

  • http://www.FarhanaDhalla.com Farhana Dhalla

    Thank you all for such a tremendous experience of opening and sharing of your wisdom. I honour you all for choosing higher… even when it bites ;-)  

    But we know that experiences all come to us to serve as catalysts to take us to our next highest level… and the target keeps changing so experiences come again for us to keep growing. But, if we heed the learnings that we have had along the way, the movements can be quick and even joyful.

    Lets keep in touch… 

    Sign up for my Muse Letter, receive 8 vignettes of my book Thank You for Leaving Me and a kicking interview I did for the Womens Empowerment Telesummit. Click here http://www.FarhanaDhalla.com/soul-filled-cafe

    And friend me on FB – just let me know that this is where we met, K?

    With a humble bow and pinch on your bum cheek,
    Farhana

  • http://JohnHicks.com John Hicks

    You went exactly to the heart of this. Hard to face it though. I don’t know what to say to my daughter about her mother. I want to give her the greatest mother I can. I tell her about her mother long ago, when I first met her. I want to help my daughter more than I want to get even with her mother. That may have been our problem all along: how much more I care about my daughter than about her mother. My doing. All that comes at you comes from you. I prefer the way you say it, though: Nothing is done to you, everything is done for you.

    Your three are lucky in their parents.

    So glad to know you and your book.

    I see your book at Goodreads. I’ll post a review there, if I may.

    Thank you, thank you.

    JH

  • http://www.soulfilledlife.com Heather Gray

    I knew that your Cafe day would be special — but I am feeling such deep appreciation for the depth that you brought to the day and your wonderful combination of “fierce truth” (my new phrase for you) and “lightness of being.”  You are such a GIFT.

    To quote you, “SMOOCHIES”  :)

  • http://www.soulfilledlife.com Heather Gray

    Joshua!  Thank you for being here and sharing more of your own personal journey here.  You are such an inspiration to me.

    I’ve have my own “Thank You for Leaving Me” tale — the sharing of which led to meeting Farhana in the first place.  It was at a Soul-filled Cafe in May featuring  Collette Kenney of “Love Talk” and the topic was “Is it Healthy to Hang Out With You Ex?”
    http://soulfilledlife.com/colettekenney
    If you scroll down thru the comments you can read my initial conversation with Farhana (and a bit about my story of lost love):
     

    So excited for next weeks Cafe with you.

    from my heart to yours,
    H.

  • http://www.soulfilledlife.com Heather Gray

    I love that your guidance was that the book was already written — in your journal!  You are such a brave soul and I love what you are saying here about the “How To’s”   I guess the “How To’s” have their place, but what a gift the heart has to offer in these areas of healing and evolution.

    This was the perfect response — excito typing is where it’s at!!  :)

    love ya, your crazy fan, H.

  • http://www.FarhanaDhalla.com Farhana Dhalla

    You are a dear man John…and you are doing the right thing by remembering her to your daughter the way she was. Kids are bright, don’t hide what is, but offer grace and understanding to your wife and your daughter will process things in a healthy awareness.

    Thank you.

    All love,
    Farhana

  • Rawjrdawgr

    This is a great time for re-invention.  Thanks for this reply Farhana.  You make a real good point about how everything is cyclical. During my separation, often I am reminded of my own emotional patterns and behaviors, only trying to understand and learn from my experience as I move past them.   By taking the power out of the equation I can then move forward.  It becomes easier for me to make those decisions that allow change to happen.

  • http://JohnHicks.com John Hicks

    Not that you asked me, but…

    I tell my daughter that anger is not wrong, it has a time and place and purpose; it calls to us that something we care about is threatened and needs us.

    …in case someone tells her that anger is even less appropriate from a woman. From that attitude come Mean Girls and their sneaky roundabout anger, I’m guessing.

    I tell her to aim her anger with care, though;

    …face-to-face, not from ambush;

    …and as with any feeling, the feeling we get comes from the meaning we give;

    …feelings come from us, not to us;

    …so first take a moment to open the anger and look inside, and see whether she wants to leave that meaning in place, or not.

    JH

  • http://www.FarhanaDhalla.com Farhana Dhalla

    Where exactly is the Love button around here because that one I Love!

    Thank you John..  you made it richer and deeper right now. 

    Hmmm… this is what is coming up for me right now…Anger is a feeling, an expression and a tool.

    When honoured as a feeling and expressed in a termpered, clear manner, it holds the ability to dissolve barriers (or establish boundaries) which ultimately aid in us experiencing our freedom.

    Cool. I have never broken it down that way before… I think I like it.

    et tu? what do you think?

    lotsa motsa,
    farhana

  • Pingback: Awesome Thread on the Soul Filled Cafe

← Older Comments

Previous post:

Next post: