Thank You For Leaving Me

I’m glad I read this one.  I didn’t feel so alone.  I’ve had my husband lie to me in the past.  About a year ago on a July day in 2010, I found out about his alcohol abuse (found the bottles everywhere), his on-line porn use, and that his female “friend” from high school had been writing him on Facebook.  It was all in one day!  It came after a very stressful period in our lives.  I guess the clouds were clearing and I needed to see his lies and deception.  It was very difficult for me as a wife.  It was an opportunity though for me to assert my needs for once.  I insisted on counseling.  We ended up taking the Imago couples class and then, doing a follow up class and lots of counseling that we are still doing.  I had to dig deep.  I had spent so many years on my own growth, even getting counseling when I felt inside that hubby should be the one getting it.  I’m still not there 100% with my trust, but things have healed so much in my marriage.  Part of me has wanted to give up at times.  There were some very stressful moments and times the past year.  I thought I would fall apart.  But, I finally learned to take care of myself.  It was hard to detach when it comes to hubby’s addictions, but once I did, he did quit his unhealthy behaviors.  There were relapses, but I am working to be centered in my own truths and to care for myself deeply and without abandon.  I have had friends support me in ways that I never realized were available.  It helped me to see that I had support, love, etc. outside of my marriage.  I share this not to have anyone feel sorry for me, but to remind you that you have strength…strength that is uncommon and amazing as a woman.  Always honor yourself

If you have or are holding any “grudges” or “dark shadows” from past relationships, then today’s cafe is especially for you. If anyone cam help show you the path thru the mud and sludge and back to solid ground of light and harmony with life — it is Farhana.

Yay- looking forward to this conversation with you all.

Xo

Very good article and thanks for sharing. I am currently going through a marriage separation and see the importance of saying “thank you” and “…for getting out of my way”.  I see in hindsight that my ex’s leaving me was the best thing for my life.  Don’t get me wrong, I loved being married. And now, I love being in control of my life again. It’s more difficult being older and single, but my life feels better.  Isn’t that what we want?

What a beautiful post Farhana thank you for sharing this.  I’m sure it will be empowering and healing for many.  I’ve definitely said “thank you for leaving me” to some relationships, and this perspective has helped me with so many things in life–not just romantic partnerships, but also career changes, friendships, sense of identity.  It seems as if the world is speeding up right now and we are being called on to embrace the state of disintegration as a blessing and a preparation for who we came here to be.  I look forward to reading your conversations with people today! Many blessings, kimberly

I love the paradigm shift from victim to freedom. Taking responsibility for my share in my failing marriage was difficult for me at first. There was so much to blame him for. But over time, especially during my life coach training, I became much more self-aware of the choices I made during our 23 year marriage, the things I did that contributed to the dissolution of the marriage. Ultimately, we were a bad match, but I am grateful for the marriage and the lessons I learned. I left him, so I can’t say “Thank you for leaving me.” But I can say, “Thank you for marrying me, and for our four wonderful children, the ultimate gift of the marriage.”

I wouldn’t be the person I am today without having gone through the pain of our marriage. I am so much better equipped to choose my next husband wisely. I have learned what makes for a great partnership, how to communicate my needs and feelings in a much more powerful way. 

And I have my failed marriage to thank for my career as a dating coach! 

Well said. Thank you, Heather, for showing me Farhana Dhalla. What she offers was hard-won and put to the test in her own life first, I see, making it easier to get and harder to doubt. I’m in a long court battle for my daughter and that too can become a life sentence, because in court you push blame here and there but always away from yourself, giving away your power along with the blame. Whatever may come of the court case, I want my daughter to get that, and learn what Ms Dhalla means here.

Oh Sweet Marie … I wholly admire the way you delved into digging deep for truth when so many others (I know, I was one of these ones) would have looked the other way while wishing it to be different. The ‘ostrich’ approach really doesn’t work.

And, it is obvious that your husband too wants healing with his active engagement in the counselling and Imago class. 

Trust is a biggie. I remember getting a big, huge, aha around this one. My lack of trust translated into every man. I did not trust men PERIOD. I wasn’t consciously being mistrustful but in practice i was. Then it hit me, I remembered a line from Susan Jeffers book – a book I had read years before – it was called Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway.

It went something like this:  - It’s not so much that you do not trust the other person. They are here to live their own life, to make their own decisions. It’s that you do not trust you to handle yourself based on the decisions that they make.

That was an instant free-er for me. Because like you, I had begun to discover myself as  strong, insightful, resilient and powerful and once I knew that I could trust myself to be those things, my trust issues around men dissolved and my trust issues around me dissolved. 

Take care of you. God has his back, you need not worry about him. 

You are amazing.

Yay me! Thanks so much for inviting me on here today Heather. Especially on the auspicious occasion of celebrating your birth! 

And so we make today a re-birthing of sorts (without the breathing techniques LOL) and examine to release any of the things that have been holding us back in being our true Magnificence.

xx’ing and oo’ing,
F

Heather and Farhana, I believe there are no coincidences in life – so it’s not surprising to me that I found this page today. I stayed for 3 years in a relationship that I knew was based on shifting sands and lies from my significant other. I so wanted to believe he could be the person I saw he could be – but I fell in love with his potential, not the reality he chooses to live. That innocent look, that contriteness when caught – all too familiar. What I have learned through it all is that I can absolutely trust my intuition – it knew (as did my animals) that he was not a good guy and wasn’t who he appeared to be. That is a gift I cherish and can carry forward. I’m still dealing with the anger at myself for staying as long as I did, but I’m moving through it. I’ve learned much.

I love your line about surrounding yourself with “people who will celebrate you in your pain and in your magnificence and see them as no different.” It was because of these amazing people in my life that I could get him out of my life. To have 5 friends show up one morning to pack up his stuff is powerful. And that’s what my friends did for me. To say I’m grateful is an understatement. And they’ve kept me honest with myself and helped me not backslide into a different kind of relationship with him.

It’s been an awe-inspiring experience that I am learning much from – especially that I choose not to repeat it in the future.

Thank you for sharing your powerful story, Farhana. You have many sisters out here moving along the same path.

Bravo Roger! You already know the potency of thanking the other person so you can make real progress in your own healing, understanding and re-invention.

Recently i was at a 3 day Satsang on Vedanta and something that Ramji had said was very interesting. He said that there are 4 stages in life. 

1. Being Raised
2. Being Married
3. Spiritual Seeking
4. Legally Die

I had never thought of marriage as ‘a phase’ before. But evidently Vedic wisdom that predates 10,000 years suggests that everything is cyclical… including marriage. 

This 3rd stage that you have entered is powerful beyond measure. It is the one where you yes, take control of your life again and choose your thoughts, beliefs, friends and actions. Everything is up for re-examination and only what is true to you will remain. Oh what a great time of re-invention. 

You may even choose marriage again but it will be from a completely different point of connection. If you ensure to do your spiritual work during this time (which is basically to tell the truth and look for the gifts in the situation)  then you will choose a spiritual partner (versus one to satiate the loneliness).

But the point is… you choose. You are all powerful. You are afterall, Magnificence itself.

xxF

Thanks so much for joining the conversation today Kimberly. You are so right… the idea of blessing the experience is transferable to all loss. And once we bless it, we begin to not actually see it as a loss but rather an experience. And once we examine any hurts in the experience we start to see the hidden treasures, the gifts in the experience.

We can neutralize anything by blessing it… and with the world speeding up and more experiences being hurled at us, neutralizing it quickly with a blow of a kiss is a good idea to keep your ‘travels light’. But if anything is weighing us down, it means there were gifts in there that ached to b acknowledged.  

Take time to tear the wrapping paper off even though sometimes we would rather things looked as they are. In the unravelling there is an exquisite gift to behold. 

I so love what you said here…. ” we are being called on to embrace the state of disintegration as a blessing and a preparation for who we came to be” I feel like you just helped me nail my mission statement!

kisskiss,
f

Ha! I love this! me too… I have my failed marriage to thank for my career as an author and an Enlightened Divorce Coach!
I remember once Lorna Blake telling me that ‘your mess is your message’. And i thought that quite profound. It reminds us that the gifts of our lives and our experiences are fully equipping us for the next stage in our lives.When you so elegantly thanked him for your four children that reminds me of a big beautiful aha i got one day. I was cleaning the garage and in my own thoughts of how if i go with the premise that children choose their parents, the amount of effort that the universe would have taken to ‘line up’ events so that my ex and I could meet each other.And since no two people would ever connect unless they were a vibrational match, I had to bless the events in my own life – including molestation – that had all contributed to making me a vibrational match for him. We both fell in love with each other from our own dysfunction but is that match that allowed us to create these children.

In one domino effect, I loved every pain and dysfunction of my life because it allowed me to meet him and create these beautiful children with him. I am ever so grateful for it all.

Thanks for the reminder Sandy!

Thank you John. Thank you.

I can’t presume to understand the complexities behind your court battle but I know this… find a way to love your ex-wife immeasurably and things will shift. She wants to do the right thing too but fear and hurt mask itself as anger and righteousness. Address the fear and hurt.

Spend your money at Disneyland and not at the lawyers offices. 

There was a time John about 9 months after the separation that I came home to find bailiff notices on the door. My ex- husband had tanked his thriving business and since our assets were not sorted yet (here I was playing ostrich again), they had been depleted and borrowed against. We had lost everything and now owed over $100K.

I panicked in fear and even though who he was frankly being an asshole at the time, I remembered him was a man of honour. So I concentrated all my efforts in seeing him as a man of honour. I bathed him in honour energetically to help him remember who he was. I prayed – not in fear – but in gratitude for him showing up in honour. 

Lo and behold, a couple of weeks later, the mediators called and said that he had asked to pull the notice of $100K off my plate. 

Hold her in right intention… bathe her with love understanding her fears and commit to being honourable to her as she sifts through this. You will win. Your daughter will win and your ex will win.

I adore you for your willingness to make things different. 

Love,
f

Puddytats, mama-hood awaits…my son broke his orbital bone a couple of weeks back while playing baseball and we are heading out to get it checked by the eye doctor. He’s totally fine so no worries there, just a check up to make sure we are all on track. Kids heal up pretty fast. I’ll be back online in a couple of hours. 

Keep the questions and comments coming… I am just LOVING this!

xoF

Hi, Farhana,

I am totally blown away by you and by the posts today! Thank you for sharing such wonderful words of wisdom, and for sharing your experiences.

I have been on the other side of the equation…I was the one who decided to leave, after experiencing many of the things discussed here. It has definitely been a voyage of self-discovery to see how I contributed to the situation (and why I chose it in the first place, against the guidance of my inner self!)

And the process definitely kicked me into a whole new level of experiencing that, in your wonderful words: “everything is up for re-examination and only what is true to you will remain.”

The gifts have been many, including a whole new sense of self, recreating my business to focus on what I am totally passionate about, moving across the country, and creating an entirely new connection with Spirit.

Thank you again, Farhana!

Warmly,
Sue

What a beautifully written article, Farhana!  You express yourself so well. 

I love your POV and the thought that we truly co-create what we want.  

I’m sorry I don’t have more time to hang out here today … really love what you’re sharing.

Heather raves about you, so I’m happy to have the opportunitiy of connecting with you here!

Have a great day!

Thanks to you too, Heather !! We’ll speak again soon

Love, Cherry

Why thank you Cherry Baby!

Thanks for popping in for an espresso … a quick shot sometimes is all we need to get the day going!

This whole business of understanding our role in co-creating is very powerful. Admittedly a tough one for me to swallow … I really liked being right and leaving the blame on him. But I am the creator in my life and everything we had created together was consentual to some degree. Wow – okay, that just came out… i had not thought of it that way before. Huh… gotta let that one sink in a bit.

A big squeeze to Heather for introducing us – I just friended you on FB so we can be sure to be in touch.

Love,
Farhana

Hey Cherry — thanks for your quick check-in at the Cafe.  There is definitely synergy in the work you do with what Farhana is contributing.   Hope you two connect further. xo

Hey Sue — always love hearing your perspective — you have a way of reminding me to stand my own ground in a more firmer way.  Thanks for being here and sharing about your own experiences with “leaving.”

Farhana -what  a fabulous Cafe already.  Good luck at the doctors.  Happy that your son is on the mend quickly.  

Lisbeth, it’s so lovely to meet you. Thank you for sharing about your own experience with releasing a long-term relationship that wasn’t the right fit. 

I always feel like all experiences are out opportunities for growth.  And from your beautiful website, it looks like you have found “Your Voice”   

Thanks for being here.

Sue – I can very much relate to what you’re saying. I’m still in the midst of self-discovery (as noted below) and am excited at where my life will go from here.

I love that:  “Spend your money at Disneyland and not at the lawyers office.”

@JohnHicks:disqus  — thanks for sharing the pain you are dealing with.  I highly recommend reading Farhana’s full story by picking up a copy of “Thank You For Leaving Me.”  I found her story to be a very healing balm for any justified hurts I was holding onto. 

But either way I wish you the best on this journey and appreciate that you are here at the Cafe today.

Opposite gender.  Same feelings.  Great post.

My son is doing well – thanks. The first of many sport injuries I am sure. But I will put a pink light bubble around him to protect him as much as a mama can. Now my daughter has twisted her ankle and this afternoon I take her for an xray. Sigh… but you know, in this moment I am so grateful for the career that I have chosen that allows me to be able to be there for the kids at these moments of ‘ouch’.

 Love you way with words Farhana!  The “quick shot of espresso”… perfect.

What a spectacular time of discovery for you Sue. And it is your willingness to stand in the eye of the chaos and uncertainty and choose from love versus fear is what will butter the process. 

You know, I don’t think it matters who left whom. The process is still the same. It takes one person bold enough to speak the truth and both are set free unto a new course of discovery. Some will constrict. Some will blossom. It is the level of urgency for knowing the truth and being the truth that makes the difference on which path is chosen.

The day after my marriage ended I had a pre-scheduled marital counselling call with Anjali Hill (who teaches Living from Truth)… she said to me “there may be more truth in you two being apart than in being together”. Those words were true for me but, I was constricted in fear so I couldn’t hear them. But they remained with me and slowly I started to unravel that statement and understand it’s profoundness.

Thank you Sue… I am so honoured to have your contribution here.

xF

John, if you were interesting in picking up a copy, through my website is the best place http://www.FarhanaDhalla.com/the-author

Your daughter is fortunate to have you… you are teaching her much about life with who you are being.

Lisbeth, what an exquisite example of truth you are. We have all negated the little voice that whispers truth to us in hopes of us creating something more than what is.

And I too have discovered that in the end I was less angry towards him than i was towards me. I was so mad at myself for not seeing the lies and then not really responding to what I had seen. Then one day I noticed a shift…

I was on a radio interview and the host had asked if Valentines day was the first time i suspected another woman. I was instantly transported to a time where I received a huge intuitive hit and totally described another woman, even where she worked. He looked a bit stunned but quickly said no. I let it slide. (that woman is now his girlfriend)

In the interview with the radio host, I admitted I had had many signals on many women. She asked me if I was angry at myself for not following it up. I checked in and the answer came up as No. Somewhere along the line I had found the grace to forgive myself and when I thought about it some more I realized that if I had followed up on it, our lives would be forever changed. We still had one more child to bring into this world together. I realized that there too, my fear and naivety was FOR me. 

Can you see your time with him perfect – not a moment too soon or too late? 

How fortunate you are that you have manifested a circle of friends to give you comfort or whoop ass – which ever is needed at the time. 

I am so grateful for your contribution here today

smoochy,
F

Thanks Roy, the first two letters I ever received about the book were from men echoing the same feelings. I admit, I was surprised. I thought this was a chick book but it really isn’t. The feelings are the same regardless of gender. I appreciate that you chimed in.
xF

I agree… I have a feeling there is something for Cherry and I to explore! Thanks for the introduction Heather.

I’m mulling over this conversation in the context of our phone conversation earlier.  I am thinking about the power of anger and the need to find loving clarity, and how sometimes anger is the key.  I am also thinking about my truth – how I’ve found a new sense of safety in proclaiming it, and how I’ve felt validated and dropped the fear of sharing it, through a court custody situation.  I love that something I have greatly feared is offering me gifts that I have been opening my arms for, but too scared to catch.  God, life is good… 

Your loss brought you to my life and for that I am thankful!  I think of where I saw you that first day all broken up and yet willing to move forward with a trust in the unknown.  As you became aware you blossomed and continue to bloom.  I think of my own past divorce and where I am today, how I wished for someone to talk to and yet how lost I felt when all my friends disappeared through those times.  I love that you share this part of your life, to help others, but trust me everyone reading this, there is so much more this Girl has to offer….You will be amazed, as I am even to this day, when I hear of the incredible adventures she has been on and the achievements in life itself.  If you need help transitioning through anything, I will guarantee you that you will not loose in a conversation with Farhana.  V to F, yes a living life example!  I have always found if I hang with those ahead of me in the area I need help with, my growth is so much more expedited as they have cleared my path for me.  Thank you again Farhana!   

Your loss brought you to my life and for that I am thankful!  I think of where I saw you that first day all broken up and yet willing to move forward with a trust in the unknown.  As you became aware you blossomed and continue to bloom.  I think of my own past divorce and where I am today, how I wished for someone to talk to and yet how lost I felt when all my friends disappeared through those times.  I love that you share this part of your life, to help others, but trust me everyone reading this, there is so much more this Girl has to offer….You will be amazed, as I am even to this day, when I hear of the incredible adventures she has been on and the achievements in life itself.  If you need help transitioning through anything, I will guarantee you that you will not loose in a conversation with Farhana.  V to F, yes a living life example!  I have always found if I hang with those ahead of me in the area I need help with, my growth is so much more expedited as they have cleared my path for me.  Thank you again Farhana!   

Oh yes. Anger. Sweet Anger. Bitter Anger. Love and Anger. I have gone all over the map on this one. I so desperately wanted my divorce to be ‘loving’ that I wouldn’t give myself the option of being angry. But that wasn’t truth either.

I remember one moment when I was so angry at myself for even being angry. I thought anger was in contradiction to the spiritual path that I was so determined in following. Then, my step-father said to me “Anger in on the road to enlightenment”

That statement made me stop in my tracks. Then he said, “the spiritual path is about being in Truth.”

He was right.

But again, many lessons I have to repeat to understand and just recently again I was forgoing truth in favour of peace (not bad to do sometimes but it cannot be the modum of operandum) and in order to calibrate I said some things that I would not have said. I didn’t say them in heat. i just stated facts. And the breakthroughs I have experienced in ALL  aspects of life since then have been tremendous.

It just got me thinking right now that perhaps anger comes from not speaking the truth. And that shows up as energy blocks which manifest in missed opportunities, disease etc. 

You have made brave steps recently Darling… you are allowing ALL of you to be seen and what an incredible gift you are in your fullness. 

And get ready to catch! 

xxF

Oh yes. Anger. Sweet Anger. Bitter Anger. Love and Anger. I have gone all over the map on this one. I so desperately wanted my divorce to be ‘loving’ that I wouldn’t give myself the option of being angry. But that wasn’t truth either.

I remember one moment when I was so angry at myself for even being angry. I thought anger was in contradiction to the spiritual path that I was so determined in following. Then, my step-father said to me “Anger in on the road to enlightenment”

That statement made me stop in my tracks. Then he said, “the spiritual path is about being in Truth.”

He was right.

But again, many lessons I have to repeat to understand and just recently again I was forgoing truth in favour of peace (not bad to do sometimes but it cannot be the modum of operandum) and in order to calibrate I said some things that I would not have said. I didn’t say them in heat. i just stated facts. And the breakthroughs I have experienced in ALL  aspects of life since then have been tremendous.

It just got me thinking right now that perhaps anger comes from not speaking the truth. And that shows up as energy blocks which manifest in missed opportunities, disease etc. 

You have made brave steps recently Darling… you are allowing ALL of you to be seen and what an incredible gift you are in your fullness. 

And get ready to catch! 

xxF

I also discovered my marriage of over 10 years was not what I had thought.  I discovered I had been wearing rose coloured glasses and never saw the problems until it was too late.  The castle we built was made of sand and it just crumbled away.  But it led to a path of discovery that I am still on.  I have learned to move forward and to find the courage to become someone more.  I love how inspiring, genuine and positive your message is.  Thank you. 

When @lisbeth8:disqus talked about her supportive circle of friends my mind instantly went to the amazing circle that showed up for me as soon as I prayed for a circle of women with whom I could heal with. 

And, yes I was broken. And not a single one of you saw me that way. You saw me in my Magnificence even when the light in that direction felt dim.

When you mentioned friends disappearing, I noticed that too… my old circle meant well but they didn’t understand what i was going through and they were uncomfortable with the truths that I was discovering about myself. Many find new circles of support during this time… I think in a way when you are re-inventing yourself, the easiest people do to it with are people who hold no attachment to who you were and can more easily revel in who you are becoming.

I often say that I asked God for abundance and God brought me you. Thank you Deb for being such a beacon of love, support and whoop ass. All are needed. All is love.

smoochyrama sister!
f

You rock Andrew! 

You could have taken this experience and had it shut you down but instead you are using it as a catalyst for moving up. And in fact, all of life’s experiences are designed just that way… they move us up – if we let them. 

I’m finding the discovery path to be a bit like a spiral. As soon as I get the lesson and the gift, I cycle up but… life offers me another opportunity to test my lessons and if i remember what I learned, I move through the cycle quicker and then quicker again. In the book I cheekily call it Rinse and Repeat. 

Sigh… what a glorious ride we have signed up for.

xoF

Okay, confession here… the way I wrote it sounds like i have never had trust issues again. Not so. I have them again and again but, if i remember what i have learned they dissolve quickly.

But, i’m not always a fast study

I’ll say… and helping others find their voice too! I just signed up for your newsletter @lisbeth8:disqus . Thanks

Farhana — as you know I am a Super fan of your book. I felt like you left no stone unturned in sharing your heart and your journey

Which brings me to my question. How did you learn to write like that? Any secrets or advice you can give for writing with such FIERCE truth? It’s a gift. And you are a rare gem in peeling away the layers and digging deep for those golden nuggets of real life that becomes wisdom in your hands.

I have said this to you before (and to everyone with whom I share about your book) that “Thank You for Leaving Me” is in the ranks of Eat, Pray, Love.

Awesome Farhana!  So proud of you!  Your gift from Spirit back in Sept about being a writer, that I have a gift to share has never left me.  I have been taking big breaths and putting myself more out there. 
Hugs and love,
Aime

Aime, Continue to use the pen to express truth. The thing about this is, the moment you can name what is going on, you instantly help people heal. No one needs to be told what to do, we just need to be understood. You do a marvellous job of communicating to heal. 

Yowza… in the ranks of Eat, Pray, Love…awesome. Thanks Sweets.

Okay, another confession. This wasn’t the book I was going to write. I was going to write a great ‘how to have a loving divorce’ kind of book. But, that wasn’t exactly what I was having. I was trying and there has been love in our parting but I can’t say that I ever reached the divorce that I coined as my Club Med divorce. And attempts to write that book fell flat and uninspired.

In my meditations I kept receiving the message that the book that needed to be written was already written – it was my journal. Ugh! I hated that voice that day. That was way too personal. But I knew there were truths about life that I was uncovering that would help others. I even contemplated doing it under a pseudonym just so I could remain unexposed.

But I get rewarded all the time for the risk… A fellow just told me ‘there are about a hundred books out there on how to get through divorce but nobody ever talked about the feelings. I healed so much after your book’

Here is the kicker… I don’t have any ‘how to’s’. I don’t think we need them. We know… we just want to better understand what is happening within us and then we can be open to seeing other angles on how we can frame our experience.

So my point is when we try to write to impress we rarely make connection. When we write to express it is a BINGO moment every time. 

Anyone can have impactful writing when they use they own life experiences and observations and are willing to be real with what is so. I am so frikkin tired of being sold to, told to and showed to. We are born Magnificent and smart so lets not treat anyone like they are broken. The example teaches. Nothing else is needed.

And in that, EVERYONE is a teacher. EVERYONE has experiences and understandings that can help another. It just takes a wee bit of courage to say it from your own earned wisdom versus information acquired.

Does that answer anything or was I just having excito typi-istis?

I haven’t read the book yet Heather and I already agree with what you’re saying…

Farhana your writing in this forum is Scorchingly Vulnerable.  

The way you live the Truth that our “mess is our Message” has truly and permanently transformed my life today.

I appreciate you and I aspire to live at your level of authenticity…the gifts of your real stories have been profoundly healing for me and even though it takes a lot of courage for me to share one of my stories, I sense that it’s an important step in the recovery process.

As it happens, I was in a romantic relationship for more than two and half years and within the 1st three months of being together she was unfaithful with somebody else.

When she told me about what had occurred, she gave me a number of gifts, including a silver ring that we decided would serve as a symbol of Unconditional love.

I wore that ring on my right hand for a long time (even after we inevitably parted ways) as a reminder to continually do the internal work necessary to actually love at an Unconditional level.  

Fortunately the work has paid off and I can now say that I’ve gained more than I once lost (especially because I’ve developed such a rich relationship with my Spirit as well as my true soulmate, Gina Maria Mele :O) 

You can see more about her Divine Guidance work from when she was a guest at the Cafe: http://www.soulfilledlife.com/2011/06/22/ginamele/

And, more than anything, I’ve learned that there is no substitute for being in constant communication with the source of wisdom that I describe as my Eternal Friends.

The Ultimate Blessing that has emerged from this Central Connection has totally determined the quality of my life and I appreciate you (along with everyone else who is reading these words) for “listening” to what I have to share here.

For Your Purpose,

Joshua Home Edwards

Farhana, Sorry so late in responding; I was gone all day.  Thanks for what you wrote.  I like the idea of tearing off the wrapping paper, of the gift–in order to do that we have to take a look, even when it is painful.  I am glad I could help with your mission statement!   Heather told me today that she loved your book as much as Eat Pray Love, which means I will HAVE to read it since that is one of my favorite books! Can’t wait!

I appreciate you sharing your story with us Farhana and look forward to learning more about you and your work.  Peace and Blessings, kimberly
 

Farhana, I couldn’t believe what I was reading when I saw this link on a friend’s page…  It was like reading my own story.  I, too after 10 years of marriage, found out about the other woman on Valentine’s Day.  I was devastated.  He was my world…  big problem.  I didn’t have a world to fall back on.  I did have a wonderful circle of friends who really rallied for me and helped me pull through.  After wallowing in self pity and depression for months, they kicked me in the butt and made me realize I had to become the Phoenix and rise out of the ashes.  It took a lot of work, therapy, support from friends and family and a personal development camp that truly changed/saved my life.  I learned to love myself again and realize I was worthy of being truly loved.  I love the line you quoted on trust “It’s not so much that you do not trust the other person.  They are here to live their own life, to make their own decisions.  It’s that you do not trust you to handle yourself based on the decisions that they make.”  Trust is the one big issue I have had the hardest time with.  This is an eye-opener for me!  It is so true.  I look forward to reading your book and learning even more from your experiences.  Everything happens for a reason and I am glad I ran across this site!  

Bless you and thank you!
Ziggy

Oh Ziggy, we share so much! 

When you read that first vignette you must have had held your breath or something like that eh? It is uncanny that the situation would be so similar I am always in awe of the Universe setting things up so perfectly so we can find what we are looking for…even if we aren’t looking. I too use the Pheonix rising out of the ashes as a metaphor for the experience. And rise she must. It was how we were made. Resilience is really part of our natural programming. We are in flow with nature when we are resilient.Blow a kiss to your friends for knowing how best to support you.Friend me on Facebook and we can keep in touch there too… K?

Joshua, 

It took me a while to respond to you because i was awestruck and lovingly pierced by your words. Thank you.

Even right now, I, who is hardly ever at a shortage for words can’t seem to come up with something that can do justice here but I shall continue to type and let my heart unfold what it wants to.

I love the way you reframed what the ring meant and used that as a touchstone to deepen your relationship with the Divine.

And you have taken your work much further… you act as a conduit for healing prayers and love for so many…you are so awakened into your purpose and I can literally feel your energy from here.

I actually ‘met’ your soulmate Gina on the cafe a few weeks back… she took us through some delicious processes and coaches tremendously for people to go deeper and be more inquisitive. You two make a powerful couple.

I see you are next weeks guest and what an honour it will be for me to entrench into your work more.

With love,
Farhana

Joshua, 

It took me a while to respond to you because i was awestruck and lovingly pierced by your words. Thank you.

Even right now, I, who is hardly ever at a shortage for words can’t seem to come up with something that can do justice here but I shall continue to type and let my heart unfold what it wants to.

I love the way you reframed what the ring meant and used that as a touchstone to deepen your relationship with the Divine.

And you have taken your work much further… you act as a conduit for healing prayers and love for so many…you are so awakened into your purpose and I can literally feel your energy from here.

I actually ‘met’ your soulmate Gina on the cafe a few weeks back… she took us through some delicious processes and coaches tremendously for people to go deeper and be more inquisitive. You two make a powerful couple.

I see you are next weeks guest and what an honour it will be for me to entrench into your work more.

With love,
Farhana

Farhana,

Thank you for your thoughtful and wise reply to my comment. I just read through all the comments of the day, and wow! You have opened up something very profound here. 

I am sorry to hear about all the pain you suffered. Like me, you are able to process and learn the lesson meant to be learned. 

Early in my marriage, we lost a child. He was five years old and a sweet, sweet angel of a boy. As painful as that was, it was the beginning of my growth. Why do we grow so much through pain, damn it? I’d be happy to learn my lessons through joy!!!

Just wanted to point out something that you said above that resonated with me. You spoke about your appointment with Anjali Hill for marital counseling right after your marriage ended. I love what she said to you “there may be more truth in you two being apart than in being together.” 

I’ve already spoken about my career change, but what I didn’t mention is that my ex-husband learned how to express himself emotionally and has made a career out of it as well! Before the divorce, he had two basic ways of dealing with anger: rage or stonewalling. 

Now, he has language, skills. This all came as a result of us trying to forge a new relationship as we were divorcing. 

Bonus: my kids can express themselves beautifully.

I could go on and on, but I’ll stop here. Thank you for your loving heart and wise soul.

Sandy
http://www.lastfirstdate.com

Thank You Farhana…I deeply appreciate your acknowledgments and I’m thrilled to learn that you’ve had a chance to connect with Gina!

Along with being an extraordinarily clear conduit for Heaven on Earth, she is my Wunna Wunna and I am immensely blessed by all of her exquisite Gifts (so much so that I can’t help but tell everybody I know about how great she is :O)

And, I immensely honored to be connecting with you in this way as well.  

You are clearly on the leading edge of what this whole transformational movement is really all about and I love learning from your example.

For Your Purpose,

Joshua   

Wow, Such a pleasure to know you and learn more wisdom of this great journey as souls. I am sure you have made the journey much easier for those who have perhaps experienced something similar and your Wisdom, Grace, and Beauty is very evident in your smile and real true energy of Light.   Question for you: What Leads/Directs your to Your Amazing Divine Spirituality?      I look forward to staying in touch for awhile in years to come and am proud of how you continue To Be You!   All The Best, Nadine Shenher

Farhana, Thank You for connecting today and I remember the first day we met as it was perfectly planned…I recall getting a copy of your book “Thank You for Leaving Me” for a girlfriend and I am sure your writing this has helped and guided many others. The Title is Amazing!  Keep Shining and Best Wishes Always. Your Smile and Wisdom is Magnificent and Continues to Radiate ! These writings of yours were meant to be and Congratulations on this book as it would be nice to see it Globally in more languages…    Many Blessings! Nadine

Congratulations on your Book and I recall purchasing this book for a girlfriend in mind at the time. I am sure you have helped the journey for many on this universal path. Best Wishes always and would be nice to see this Globally in many different languages.  Much Love, Nadine

Ahh Nadine… you are a thirst quencher that is for sure.

I always have the same feeling when I see you in person or in our cyber world…

Hmmm…. what leads or directs the process….I think I am one of the lucky ones. Many people have struggled with their definition of God or their belief in the Greater for a variety of reasons. Not I. I was always led to believe in a loving God. So with those eyes I can get to the place of THIS TOO IS LOVE easily. Now, don’t let me fool you… I have many victimesque moments but the shift can come easily for me. In fact, it is more my natural state.

I used to meditate daily and I still do from time to time but more and more my daily practice is in the remembering of higher influence in the dailiness of things. And I feel comforted knowing that I am not in this alone.

I am also selective on who I invite into my life. I am entirely enriched by who I surround myself and feel such privilege with the calibre of people who surround me. 

I also listen now to the subtle whispers. I trust my decisions. It does mean that I raise a few eyebrows with the decisions i make but that is okay. I am listening to me. And since all paths are holy, I don’t question what I am guided to do too much.

Does that answer the question? If not, please let me know.

Thanks and love and more love,
Farhana

Me too honey… I am not out there ‘hawking my wares’ I just really believe in what this book can do. I appreciate your support. xoF

Thank you Sweetness… Now lets allow the Universe to conspire

Well that was fun folks… thank you so much for your contribution, your stories, your resilience, your grace and your POWER. Divorce is a time where we come face to face with the crumbling of dreams and beliefs. It is a time where we can get to know ourselves at the most intimate level and in that… know God. Divorce is a spiritual process. Embrace your endings just as you would your beginnings because again, they are no different. Those of you that have used your experience as a catalyst for spiritual breakthroughs know that what awaits you is utterly exquisite. As you are. 

Good night kisses,
Farhana

Thank you all for such a tremendous experience of opening and sharing of your wisdom. I honour you all for choosing higher… even when it bites  

But we know that experiences all come to us to serve as catalysts to take us to our next highest level… and the target keeps changing so experiences come again for us to keep growing. But, if we heed the learnings that we have had along the way, the movements can be quick and even joyful.

Lets keep in touch… 

Sign up for my Muse Letter, receive 8 vignettes of my book Thank You for Leaving Me and a kicking interview I did for the Womens Empowerment Telesummit. Click here http://www.FarhanaDhalla.com/soul-filled-cafe

And friend me on FB – just let me know that this is where we met, K?

With a humble bow and pinch on your bum cheek,
Farhana

You went exactly to the heart of this. Hard to face it though. I don’t know what to say to my daughter about her mother. I want to give her the greatest mother I can. I tell her about her mother long ago, when I first met her. I want to help my daughter more than I want to get even with her mother. That may have been our problem all along: how much more I care about my daughter than about her mother. My doing. All that comes at you comes from you. I prefer the way you say it, though: Nothing is done to you, everything is done for you.

Your three are lucky in their parents.

So glad to know you and your book.

I see your book at Goodreads. I’ll post a review there, if I may.

Thank you, thank you.

JH

I knew that your Cafe day would be special — but I am feeling such deep appreciation for the depth that you brought to the day and your wonderful combination of “fierce truth” (my new phrase for you) and “lightness of being.”  You are such a GIFT.

To quote you, “SMOOCHIES” 

Joshua!  Thank you for being here and sharing more of your own personal journey here.  You are such an inspiration to me.

I’ve have my own “Thank You for Leaving Me” tale — the sharing of which led to meeting Farhana in the first place.  It was at a Soul-filled Cafe in May featuring  Collette Kenney of “Love Talk” and the topic was “Is it Healthy to Hang Out With You Ex?”
http://soulfilledlife.com/colettekenney
If you scroll down thru the comments you can read my initial conversation with Farhana (and a bit about my story of lost love):
 

So excited for next weeks Cafe with you.

from my heart to yours,
H.

I love that your guidance was that the book was already written — in your journal!  You are such a brave soul and I love what you are saying here about the “How To’s”   I guess the “How To’s” have their place, but what a gift the heart has to offer in these areas of healing and evolution.

This was the perfect response — excito typing is where it’s at!! 

love ya, your crazy fan, H.

You are a dear man John…and you are doing the right thing by remembering her to your daughter the way she was. Kids are bright, don’t hide what is, but offer grace and understanding to your wife and your daughter will process things in a healthy awareness.

Thank you.

All love,
Farhana

This is a great time for re-invention.  Thanks for this reply Farhana.  You make a real good point about how everything is cyclical. During my separation, often I am reminded of my own emotional patterns and behaviors, only trying to understand and learn from my experience as I move past them.   By taking the power out of the equation I can then move forward.  It becomes easier for me to make those decisions that allow change to happen.

Not that you asked me, but…

I tell my daughter that anger is not wrong, it has a time and place and purpose; it calls to us that something we care about is threatened and needs us.

…in case someone tells her that anger is even less appropriate from a woman. From that attitude come Mean Girls and their sneaky roundabout anger, I’m guessing.

I tell her to aim her anger with care, though;

…face-to-face, not from ambush;

…and as with any feeling, the feeling we get comes from the meaning we give;

…feelings come from us, not to us;

…so first take a moment to open the anger and look inside, and see whether she wants to leave that meaning in place, or not.

JH

Where exactly is the Love button around here because that one I Love!

Thank you John..  you made it richer and deeper right now. 

Hmmm… this is what is coming up for me right now…Anger is a feeling, an expression and a tool.

When honoured as a feeling and expressed in a termpered, clear manner, it holds the ability to dissolve barriers (or establish boundaries) which ultimately aid in us experiencing our freedom.

Cool. I have never broken it down that way before… I think I like it.

et tu? what do you think?

lotsa motsa,
farhana