Today’s Guest Expert is Karen Schachter,
Founder of Dishing With Your Daughter
As a therapist and a health counselor, not a day goes by when I am not asked by a woman about how she can lose weight, get healthier, and feel better in – and about – her body. And as someone who specializes in helping the next generation of girls (our DAUGHTERS!) experience peace, nourishment and joy in food, eating and their bodies, I hear as many concerns from moms about supporting their daughters’ relationship to food and helping her develop a healthy body image.
And as a woman myself, who struggled for years with eating issues, and now as a mom of my own 7 year old daughter, these are concerns I completely understand and resonate with. Although I’ve been fully recovered from my eating disorder for over 20 years and have a deliciously healthy relationship to eating, now that I’m a mom I’ve experienced an interesting (and sometimes distressing) resurgence of the concerns and issues that I thought were long gone!
Do any of these worries and thoughts sound familiar? Based on my own personal and professional experience, here’s some of what we moms – particularly moms of daughters – are thinking about:
-How do I help my daughter feel good in her body, even though she has MY thighs (or belly, or butt)?
-How do I show my daughter how to eat healthfully and exercise when I don’t even know how to get MYSELF to do it?
-How can I make sure my daughter doesn’t develop an eating disorder?
-How can I make sure my daughter doesn’t get fat – she’s a sugar addict just like me!
-I’ve always been a chronic dieter – I’m OBSESSED with my weight – but I don’t want my daughter to “inherit” that. Yet sometimes I can’t help being obsessed with what she’s eating too!
-My own mom meant well, but really didn’t support my self-esteem or positive body image. I want to pass on something different to my daughter, but don’t know how!
-How can I make sure my daughter develops a positive self-esteem?
-How can I find the time to take care of myself when I’m working and taking care of kids? I’m SO busy!
-I know I should be taking better care of myself, but don’t know how to get started!
-How can I lose the weight I gained during pregnancy and never lost?
-How can I finally stop dieting and finally learn to enjoy food AND get to a healthy weight forever?
-How can I deal with emotional eating and stress eating and eating on the go? Life is so fast-paced and busy so I don’t have time to sit down to a healthy homemade meal.
There are no quick answers or solutions to these questions, but the most honest answer is this:
If you want your daughter to take good care of herself, to feel good about her body, to feed herself healthy foods, to learn how to limit sugar, to maintain a healthy weight, to learn to eat in a non-disordered way, to learn how to feed her “emotions” without food, then here’s the thing:
YOU, my fellow mom, my companion on this wonderful, often challenging, road of motherhood, YOU must “be the change” you wish to see in your daughter.
Because here’s the truth:
-We can’t teach our daughters something that we have not yet internalized.
-We can’t teach our daughters to love themselves when we are busy criticizing and judging our own selves.
-We can’t teach our daughters that their bodies are worth love and respect – no matter what their size – if we don’t really believe it ‘s true for ourselves.
- We can’t teach our daughters that they are worthy of nourishment and self-care if we are too busy taking care of everyone else to give ourselves the attention we need.
-We can’t teach our daughters to eat healthfully (not in a depriving or overindulging way) if we spend our lives constantly controlling food, or losing and gaining, dieting and binging.
So, first, what do I really mean by “Be The Change”?
Just as Ghandi said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world,” when referring to creating peace, I am suggesting that the most powerful way to create what we wish for in our families, with our daughters, is to BE that thing.
Our daughters will be exposed to powerful messages telling them to primp, polish, pluck and get prettier from every which way they turn. And that’s why they NEED us to be a voice – a model – of sanity in an otherwise crazy-making world. They need to see the people they admire most acting on our own – and our daughters’ – behalf.
You can’t expect your daughter to love her body (“honey, you’re beautiful! You don’t have to be as tall as Susie”) and then make faces of disgust while grabbing the extra roll around your belly when trying on your clothes. She HEARS that disgust.
You can’t be telling your daughter how important it is to eat a healthy breakfast and think for a second that she doesn’t notice that you skipped breakfast and grabbed a diet coke instead. She SEES that diet coke.
You can’t tell your daughter that it’s important to take care of herself and say no to boys or girls who try to pressure her and then run yourself ragged trying to be supermom and taking care of everyone else first. She INTERNALIZES the pursuit of perfection and self-neglect.
If you’re ready to end the struggle, the exhaustion, the deprivation and really feed yourself the “goodies” – both food and otherwise – that you deserve, here are some ideas to get you started. I encourage you to take some quiet time, grab a pen and a journal, and allow yourself to really explore these ideas.
* Begin to treat yourself with kindness (in words and actions). Become aware of how often you criticize yourself, your body, and even other people’s bodies. Challenge yourself to STOP. This is a habit and is change-able. It can have a profound impact on self-esteem and self-care.
* Begin talking about the things you value about yourself – and others – beyond appearance. What values do you admire in others? Seek out friends who express these values.
* Shift out of a mindset of dieting and deprivation (“oh, woe is me, I can’t have THAT”) and instead try to cultivate a mindset of NOURISHMENT and treating yourself with kindness (“I want to eat foods that FEEL good to my body and that also taste good.”)
* Begin to nourish yourself in other areas of your life as well (What are you REALLY craving? Sleep, rest, a conversation with a friend, a new job?)
* Notice how different foods affect you – your mood, your energy, your cravings and your overall wellbeing. Make these links and begin feeding yourself in a way that feeds your body and your brain.
* Slow down, practice saying “no” to things you don’t really want to do, and start tuning into yourself. Say “yes” to yourself, your energy and your wellbeing. Start doing things that fill you up, rather than leave you hungering for more.
* Begin to notice if there’s an area of your life that is subtly asking for more self-expression. Are you giving yourself space to be creative; are you honoring your more spiritual side; are you moving your body the way bodies like to be moved (not “exercise” necessarily but movement that’s fun!); are you cultivating relationships that “feed” you?
* Begin to cultivate a sense of “enoughness.” Enoughness is my made up word that describes this dilemma I see many girls and women struggle with: I am not thin enough; I am not pretty enough; I am not a good enough mom; I am not a good enough student; I don’t have enough time, money or resources; etc. etc etc. The result is that we are on a constant treadmill for MORE, that goes something like this: I will be happy when I’m richer…thinner…prettier…or MORE in some other way. What if you allowed yourself to rejoice in how MUCH you already are and have? What if you allowed yourself to KNOW that you already are ENOUGH?
* Slow down…with food and in your life. Savor. Enjoy. And reap the benefits that relaxation and pleasure bring.
One of my favorite expressions goes like this: “Big doors hang on little hinges.” In other words: small changes can reap huge rewards. You don’t need to become a different person or overhaul your life to make significant and meaningful change for yourself, and for your daughter. Imagine, for a moment, a world where all girls and women knew their true value.
Imagine a world where instead of saying, “what diet should I go on or how can I get rid this belly?” girls and women worldwide began asking, “how do I want to use my life to make the greatest impact on the world?” Rather than spending energy on dieting and hating our thighs, we focus on spending energy on connecting with others, bringing joy and peacefulness to the world. Imagine a world where joy, playfulness, compassion, connection and strength wasn’t just in a girl here or there, but was in every girl and woman.
I hope you’ll join me in “BEING” the change toward creating peace, nourishment and wellbeing for girls and women everywhere.
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Karen Schachter
Karen Schachter is a licensed clinical social worker, certified health counselor, and founder of “Healthy Bodies, Happy Minds” and “Dishing With Your Daughter ™” which offer a variety of programs and services to help girls and women experience nourishment, good health and deliciousness in their relationship to food, eating and their bodies.
Karen has combined her years of psychotherapy experience and her knowledge of nutrition to create a variety of holistic programs, including healthy eating classes for children, workshops, retreats and classes for girls as well as adults, mom-daughter retreats, and health counseling for adults, teens and families. Her programs inspire and support people to value themselves, tune into their intuition, and nourish their bodies, their minds and their spirits. Karen believes that “good nutrition” is only one piece of the “health” and wellbeing puzzle. We must teach our children (and ourselves!) that good health and true nourishment come from paying attention to, and respecting, our bodies, our food and our lives. www.dishingwithyourdaughter.com
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