Parenting with Mojo: How to Be In Sync with Your Child for the Results You Want

Thanks for being at the Soul-filled Cafe and sharing your parenting wisdom with us today, Tina!

Good Wednesday, Everyone!  I feel honored to be here answering your questions today.  Please feel free to ask about the new school year, taming anxiety (your own or your child’s), sibling rivalry, issues with friends, tantrums, opposition … anything that causes concern or trouble in your life as a parent.  I’m here all day, so let the questions begin!

Hi, Tina,

Thanks so much for being here, and for sharing your unique wisdom and perspective about kids! And I love seeing another Minneapolis area guest on the Soul Filled Cafe!

I’m not a parent, but I do have nephews ages 10 and almost 12.

I’m not responsible for any particular behavior or results from them…however, I’d love to have ways to communicate with them that help bring out the best in them and make for an easy relationship between us.

They are fun, intelligent, easy kids, and we get along just fine. One of my biggest priorities is to encourage them to be themselves (since I didn’t feel that way very often as a child, even with loving, well-meaning parents)…do you have some suggestions about how can I continue to do that as their aunt? 

Thanks, Tina!

Warmly,
Sue

Wonderful question, Sue! Thanks for joining us!  And yes, since I know you are aiming at being soul-filled with your nephews, striving for your authentic self, all you need to do is be fully present in the moment with them.  It’s amazing how kids respond to presence.  Often the wordless times mean the most to them, as just feeling your full presence is a palpable experience for their hearts.  So the next time you see them, concentrate on presence (I imagine you do already, but be really alert to it) and see how they blossom in front of you.  Follow their conversation leads, and just go for the ride!  Ask probing questions about their interests, and say, “You sound like an expert on this!”  

What a joy to be an aunt … I love it, too!  It’s a very special place from which to operate, as you have all the freedom to just appreciate your nephews and bring out the best in them.  What a powerful force in their lives. 

Good morning Tina, I love your monthly newsletter.  My question relates to anxiety.  I have a 6 year old boy whom for the past 6 months or so will not let me leave the room for a minute without calling out “mom”.  If he does not see or hear me in the kitchen let’s say he comes running to find me.  There has not been an event that I can recall.  I try to announce where I am going in thehouse whether to throw a load of clothes in the wahser, etc.  I try to reassure him that I will not leave the house without telling him.  what else can I do to help him out?  I feel badly he’s so afraid.

Hi Tina, 
Thanks for taking time today to answer questions.  I love getting your emails mostly because it reminds to be more attentive with my boys and less reactive to their behavior.
My question concerns my sons obsession with demaging the walls of his room.  My husband had noticed that our son has poked holes in the walls with what looks like a knife.  He is 12 and certainly should know the danger of playing with knives.  The only knives available would be kitchen knives.  He also likes to take bananas to poke and stab.  We have talked many times but the behavior continues.  Do I need to lock up the knives and bananas?

Hi Tina, My daughter started Kindergarten last week and we had a wonderful first week! She was excited for school each day and had no problems getting on the bus each morning. This week has been a different story… Monday she started to cry about 20 minutes before we had to walk down to the bus stop saying her tummy hurt and she didn’t want to go to school. I finally got her down to the bus stop, but had to pick her up and put her on the bus crying. She got home from school all excited about her day. Tuesday she complained about her tummy again, but we didn’t have the crying issue. Today my mom was at our house getting her on the bus… she was crying hysterically and she could not get her to settle down. Again, it was her tummy hurt and she didn’t want to go to school. Well, she missed the bus today and my husband had to go home and then bring her to school. She has had anxiety in the past and I know that is why she says that her tummy hurts.
We have talked very positively about school and go over the “Kindercalendar” each morning to talk about what she is going to be doing at school each day.
What suggestions do you have for easing this anxiety and making the day start out on a positive note?
Thank you!~ Kelly
PS – I look forward to meeting you at the MRPA conference next week! I have read your book and try to use your approach at home and in my programs!

Hi Tina,

Thanks for reminding us how important it is to be in the moment!

My grandson in Kindergarten is having a hard time following directions. Yesterday when the teacher called them in from recess, he decided to ignore the calls. Another similar incident happened in the classroom. What suggestions do you have?

–Joy

Hi Tina,  I’d love a quick word on how parents of young adults can help them maintain confidence and motivation when the job market is so limiting.  Or, more importantly, what NOT to say to them!  My sons, like many young adults, are feeling discouraged by not being able to get the jobs they’ve trained for and desire.  Thanks SO much, Tina!   Kristin

Hi, Tina,

This is such a great reminder! And giving them my full attention (and being authentic myself when I’m with them) is so much easier than any other ‘technique’ I could come up with!

And you’re so right…just being along for the ride in conversations with them works beautifully. And since I am interested in what they’re talking about, it’s really fun.

Thanks again!!

Warmly,
Sue

So sorry for the delay in answering.  I was not seeing the comments come up on my screen … was feeling a little lonely, but here you were, writing to me! 

This is a common question, Laurie, and it does likely relate to your son’s new awareness of some danger that he can’t even identify.  Sometimes kids just walk by a TV in a store, get some new information, and internalize a fear related to it.  If you can help him by saying, “If I guess what’s bothering your heart, will you tell me if I’m write or wrong?” he may be able to bring the fear-where-there’s-no-real-threat (anxiety) to the surface. Then he can draw it out or talk it out, and deal with the scary thought he’s having.  Let me know if I can help you further!

Also Laurie, thank you for your kind words about my newsletter. 

Hi Mary,
I would need to know if this is the only behavior you are seeing that’s disturbing to you or if there are other things, too.  If it’s a stand-alone, that would be less common than seeing other behaviors with it. 

The main point is that “all behavior is communication” and my best guess is that your son is trying to communicate something to you by using a knife on the wall.  As I said in the last post, the best way to deal with this is to (for a 12-year-old) take him for a ride in the car, and mention that sometimes when you were a kid, you felt upset about something but really couldn’t tell what it was.  Then just wonder, “Could that be true for you, too?”  Then you can get a dialogue going about true feelings being OK.  They’re just feelings, and nothing to be worried about.  Assure your son that you won’t judge him if he does figure it out and decide to tell you.  Then let it go.  He may just “bubble to the surface” with whatever is on his mind.  Be vigilant in avoiding judgment when he does say what’s up.  Just listen and say, “Thank you so much for telling me.”  If you need to act on something, do it with his knowledge and cooperation. 

I look forward to meeting you, too, Kelly.  Thanks for the feedback on my book.  It’s so exciting to hear that people find it helpful.  That never gets old for an author.

When a child starts out fine in Kindergarten and loses her confidence, it’s likely that something happened that caused it.  It could be something so minute that an adult wouldn’t have even picked up on it (kids have very sensitive radar, as you know.)  I would try to broach the subject very gently by saying, “I notice that the second week of school was hard for you, Honey.  I’m your mom and it’s my job to help my kids whenever something is hard for them.  Do you want to tell me what hurt your heart when you went to school and made you feel like you didn’t want to go back?”  If she says, “I don’t know”, say, if I guess, will you tell me if I’m right or wrong?”  Then guess, “Did a kid on the bus do something he shouldn’t have?”  “Did one of your classmates say something that wasn’t nice?”  etc.

When parents talk enthusiastically about Kindergarten, kids are very literal in their interpretation of what they say.  If you say, “It’s going to be fun!” they expect fun.  They often don’t realize how long the day is and that fun is not sustainable for the whole time. Then when a classmate does something hurtful, your child may have felt totally unprepared for how to deal with it.  This is educated speculation my part, but I hope it helps you with digging for the real issue so you can deal with strengthening your daughter for interactions at school, or alerting the school to a problem they can solve, or both. 

Thanks for writing, Joy!  I wasn’t able to see the blog activity on my screen, despite watching for it all day!  Now I can see it!

For your grandson, it would be good to acknowledge that Kindergarten is hard sometimes because there are a lot of directions from the teacher.  Your grandson may just not have expected that he would be held so responsible.  He’s withdrawing because he was confronted with something unexpected.  I wouldn’t make a big deal of it at this point, but just encourage his parents to encourage him.  And I will make a bold statement here: keep him home from school now and then, to accommodate for the adjustment period.  We’ve gotten SO serious about Kindergarten that we forgot the people in it are only five or six years old.  A break from it can rejuvenate the child, especially if the break is suggested by the parent.  That way, the child realizes breaks are on adults’ terms.  We all need a break from stress, and your grandson is expressing that his experience is stressful.  Place your trust in him that he will be able to handle it, so he can trust himself. 

Hi Kristin,
Thanks for your question!  Maintaining confidence and motivation in this job market is hard on everyone, but especially on the young who had so much “steam” built up at graduation, and now find no outlet for that “steam.”  I’d say, “This is the hardest time in almost the entire history of our country for job-finding.  Like every challenge, it will have its gifts, which will become evident down the road.  I encourage you to never give up, and to keep yourself busy with volunteer work in your field until things loosen up.” 

What not to say is, “Don’t worry about it!” or “You’re not doing it right … you should be doing it this way.”  I know you don’t do that, but for others reading this, it could be helpful. 

And you are SO welcome!

Hi Tina,

I have a question about school transition.  My second grader is new to her school, and by all reports, doing well and making friends.  She tells ME every AM that she doesn’t want to go, misses her old school, etc., but then goes in without much fuss and seems happy at pick up.  What gives?  I have spoken to the teacher and she assures me everything is going well…I am responding with listening empathically….any other ideas?

Thanks…

Meghan

Hi Meghan,
I would just let this stage float by, as it’s very common and not anything to be concerned about.  Listening is good, and then just gently change the subject. This is normal adjustment, and her expressions to you in the AM are just getting it off her chest that she feels challenged.  She’s safe to do that with you and move on into her day.  This is a very typical response, and will likely fade as the adjustment progresses.  

I love this way of really looking at the child’s needs and motivations. I am often overwhelmed by the amount of work it is to single parent and be self employed and wonder what tools you may have for me to use around talking to the kids about taking on more chores in the house. Or at least do the ones that are being asked of them without having to repeat myself so many times. Perhaps I need a languaging tweek
 My kids are aged 11,9 and 5. Thanks.

Tina,
I have 3 beautiful children, ages 9, 5 and 2. Our 5 year old was always our funny, easy going, entertaining little girl. She started Kindergarten this week and LOVES it! Our issue started over the summer with her. She has become easy to anger, to the point of being explosive and screams and begins to cry.  She will go all day at school or with a babysitter and be fine, but I walk in the door and she instantly begins to whine. I actually have become worried to take her out anywhere because of this behavior. It comes on fast and unexpected. Recent times we have gone somewhere (the store, restaurant, bowling) she has become angry about what most of us would see as a simple, easy to solve dilemma, and  more often than not we have to leave. What is the best way to handle this behavior? Thank you!

Hi Tina,

My son is 12 and loves to pick on his 8 year old sister (and she is the same). I know they are doing this because they are bored, but it is driving my husband and I crazy! When I asked him to work on ignoring the situation, he told me it was fun! What do we do?

Thanks!

My son has recently started taking Aderol and after testing it out at the end of 5th grade, it seems to be helping him stay on track in this second week of 6th grade.  He didn’t take it at
all during the summer.

While it seems to be helping him during school (He is on 5mg, lowest possible dose) when
he gets home from school and this last weekend, he was a agressive kid we didn’t recognize. The doctor that perscribe it is in transition and won’t be at her new clinic until Oct. 1st.  Ideas??  Eli 

Hey Farhana, I’ll let Tina tackle your parenting Q. but just wanted to pop in to say hello. Great to “see” you here.

Tina!   I am really enjoying reading your responses to all of these great questions.  I have to admit, this is the first Cafe where I feel completely out of my element in terms of your area of expertise.  So just loving taking it in and learning from your clear wisdom on this topic.  I also enjoyed your response to Sue’s “Auntie” question.  I am an aunt to 3 nephews and 3 neices, so I feel the same as her — that I just want to be a positive influence, motivator for them in what ever way I can be.

Thanks for being here.  It’s been fun to see the day unfold while I was running around NYC today.  (Glad you got the “refresh browser” technique under your belt!) 

Thanks so much for your wonderful questions, Everyone!  It was fun to hear from you on this Soul-filled platform!

Hi Farhanna,
Language tweaks are my specialty, and I thank you for your question!  Single parenting three kids and being self-employed does sound overwhelming, so first, give yourself a big pat on the back for every wonderful thing you do for your kids and business.  We often forget that we need kudos, too, and can actually give them to ourselves! 

So, to get the kids to respond the first time, have a family meeting and just say, “We have such a great family, and I think we need to show appreciation for how great we are.  Let’s go around and say what we love about our family.”  Use a talking piece and make the rule: whoever has the talking piece talks and whoever doesn’t have it listens. Then say, “I’d love if we could get rid of some of the arguing here.  Anyone with me? Would you like to see less yelling and reminding on my part?”  “Yes!” they will all say!  “Then let’s have some rules.  What should the rules be, Kids?”  Let them tell you, write them down, and at the end say, “How about one that says, ‘No delaying when asked to do something?”  This is only if they didn’t already put it on the list, of course.  Then rehearse breaking a rule, by asking one of the kids to do something, and having him ignore you.  Then get upset as you normally would.  Do some yelling, nagging and complaining, so they can look at the scene at a time when it’s not really happening.  

Then rehearse the way you want it done.  Ask one of the kids to do something, and have her just go and do it.  They will all feel the relief of no reminding, yelling, or nagging.  Point out how nice it is.  Then write each kid who does the task the first time in real life a note that says, “When you picked up your clothes right after I mentioned them, I felt so happy and relaxed because that was one less thing we had to argue about and we could spend time enjoying ourselves instead.” Building on positives is WAY more effective than focusing on what they do wrong.  I think you’ll find that, too. 

All the best and let me know if I can help you further, Farhanna!

It seems like they’re bored, but it’s really that their brains are competing for your attention.  Their brains have a level of intensity in them, and those brains are looking for an energy match in the world.  The match is highly rewarding of the behavior that proceeded it, so when you get upset with the kids when they bug each other, you match the brain energy and inadvertently reward the behavior you don’t want.  A great way to stop this is to match their brains whenever the behavior is appropriate, and to steadfastly avoid matching with it’s inappropriate.  So when there’s no picking on one another, say “When you talk so nicely to your sister, I feel very relaxed and impressed with you. It shows me what a great brother you are!”  Give no energy to the picking.  If one of them tattles, ask, “How do you want to handle that?” Give them some strategies by teaching them to leave the room, ask for better language, or ignore the behavior. 

Hope this is helpful!

Talk to your daughter when there’s no issue with the times when you enter the room and she loses control of her feelings.  Do this with a lot of compassion, saying, “I hate to see you feeling so upset.  Let’s figure out how to have mom come home in a way that you don’t have to feel sad.”  Do you want to tell me what you felt when I came home and you started crying?  If she says, “I don’t know,” say, “If I guess, will you tell me if I’m right or wrong?”  Then guess, “Maybe you were feeling upset that I was gone,” or “Maybe you were having so much fun, and thought it would be over when I got home.”  And if she can’t tell you, let it go. She may just think about it and come back to you with it in a day or two (particularly at bedtime, when kids can really reflect and talk about their feelings.)  If the true feelings come to the surface where they can be dealt with, they won’t have to come out sideways in screaming and crying. 

Let me know if  I can help you further!  All the best to you and your family. 

So happy to bring new info to the cafe, Heather.  And thanks so much for the great opportunity to share ideas with caring, dedicated parents.  I’m so inspired by them!

Hi Elizabeth,
It seems as if he is having a reaction to the Adderall, and I would try to connect with an available doctor asap.  Ask your primary care doctor for a referral.  Best of luck to you!

I really love your suggestion here Tina… and before I read it, when we all came home today after school, I asked the kids what jobs they wanted me to do…they told me the kitchen and living room. And then I asked them what they wanted to do and lo and behold they all came up with something!

i think your suggestion of asking versus barking may have something to it

I will try your family meeting technique too… i love the idea of roleplaying our responses and behaviours…very powerful.

Thanks sweets!

It was so much fun to receive your response, Farhana.  I’m so happy to know the ideas sounded like they’d be good for your family.  That asking is powerful stuff!  Best to all of you!